This is not going to be my usual blog. I had a very profound thing happen to me yesterday, that changed my gears and course in life.
First I must put my fears aside of being open and sharing things with people. I had some bad experiences with being too open and had it backfire on me, and could not handle the hurt that followed. So I closed myself off to getting close to people. Did not want to trust people. But slowly it’s been fading and I want to reach out and open up again. I am not one to complain or say “oh woe as me”. I have always seen life as being a struggle on different level for many people, so who am I to complain? But my life the last year has been a huge transformation. Many of you know my ex had just left me and my 3 children. He and I had been together 15 years. We tried to work things out and even had another baby who is now 2. But he just decided I guess he did not want to be part of this anymore and just took off with someone else. I was evicted from my home because I was not able to afford it on my own with 3 children this last June. I won’t go into all the stuff in between. I will only say that I have worked my way out of being homeless and got myself some training and brushed up on my business skills. I was gearing to getting my own home and running my own business. I am a writer by gift and can sing really well. I even thought about that on the side. I had been on Twitter and myspace trying to work some stuff up for my own promotions of the new venture I was going to do. But something felt missing. I found myself feeling less drawn to it all after being surrounded by people bombarding me with links to their “new innovative course!” or their “how to be successful on line” stuff. Get a free present and sign up now! I mean everyone and their Mother is doing this. It hit me, I am not on line to do this stuff. I wanted to just connect with other like souls with honest intentions besides making huge amounts of money, and just have a deep chat or a fantastic laugh. I try to show support to people I believe in. I always do, without really needing much back. I am not the, “now what are you gonna do for me?” type. That’s bullshit. If I go to your concert, buy your book or link your website, it’s because I think it’s fucking amazing. It impacted me in some way. Nothing more. But I regress. I could make money on line and sell you a vacation on the moon, but big deal. My soul is hurting for something more. So I had applied a bit back for a grant to continue schooling. To me a education and knowledge is such power. To work on the soul and the mind feels good to me as well as my body. I had found out that my grant went through! I got it!!!
Now, what do I want to learn? I was signing up for these business courses again wanting to become this mastermind like everyone I was meeting online. I wanted to fit in and be successful for once in my life. I went as far as sending in my picks. But I was not sleeping and felt lost about it.
I thought I will meet a really nice fella who is positive if I become this go getter. Not feel so lonely and also give people help in some way with my promotions company. But the more I went on with this, the worse I felt. WHY??? I could not understand! everyone now around me was telling me right on Reine. You did it! I am not sure the exact moment, but I called the school and told them I did not want to do the business course. I wanted to become a nurse. Now of course that’s a drastic switch, I was not really sure where the hell it came from. It just came out.
Last night, I deleted most of my twitter and most of myspace. I will keep up the poems there, because it’s my love. I reach people with my poetry. I want to help with my heart and my soul and connect with others somehow. But how? I knew last night to help them with my whole being. Not just writing poetry or blogs, not just making a business to “seem” successful. That is not for everyone. But to be a success to my own heart by helping those who are sick and in need. I start my classes in September and then I will be working in hospice. I will use my poetry and things I come to understand in my blog to help others with my love, my passions and my music. I want to feel with people. I am also going to take some Reiki courses that my uncle could help me with to learn how to use the energy to help others suffering. I know how to give to the universe with my heart and soul, not with my business sense. I know now where I must go with all this. I want to use the pain I have been feeling to remember how it feels to be lonely and help others to not feel that.
So please forgive me for taking my blog a bit off track with this entry, but this has been a huge shift for me. I have a feeling I will also find my true soulmate with this because he will be doing the same things somehow. With his heart, soul and mind. I do believe like vibrations call to each other and connect, even if we say, “oh no way”. He could be a musician or a store manager, or a train conductor, who knows. But his heart will be kind and he will be doing everything he does in and with love.
Love and light to all the kind people who take time to read my blog. xoxoxoox