You Are My Truth

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring
I left yesterday to it’s liberty
I don’t believe everything I see
I get lost sometimes and speak nonsensities
In my hands this love flows, like rain nurtures the rose.
In the days that go slow, in the moments I want to let go of my breath,
When all the faces become repetitive,
There is only one truth, one so pure, one that has me endure. You.
I don’t have a clue where to lay my head,
Wonder some days at the end of the paycheck,
There in the light of the music comes You.
It all makes sense to me now,
All the sorrows I mended, all the times I could have gave in, there was one more moment life never ended.
All the lessons, all the silence, all the tears and all the changes, oh how I would do it all again, because I know now; you were at the end of the tunnel.
You were on the journey too.
I don’t know how to show you, how much I long to hold you, to look into those beautiful eyes, to heal you.
Sometimes I weep, sometimes I cannot sleep
Sometimes I reach out my soul, asking the angels to let you know.
Oh incredible man, please understand, there will be no one else who will fill these moments – only you.
Yes, I am scared, what ‘if’ makes us bare.
A chance, a risk, those who will hurt, we cannot desert our lives.
I don’t know any other way around it, but what truth I do, is this love for you.
Entwined in my breath, in the reflection of nature, you are this fire of creation unfolding in me.
Many times we bleed, because the wheels of life have no mercy; but for me you are everything, a gift of joy and glory.
So long I kneeled to the sky, then like a blessing so divine, you came into my life, and it felt like Heaven sighed.
It’s like I’ve known your heart for eons, so perfect in companion, when you come around I feel it,for me there is no question.
Somehow in the words, I know they’re not the thing, I am pouring out my being, hoping you are reading.
God graced me a poet, he gave me verse and pros, he kissed my hands with scroll and pen and told me tell him so.
So in this feeble attempt, to make some sort of sense, I give it all to you, for this is all my truth.

Those I Love

Always in the middle, I stand in this circle
Passing me by, right before my eyes, are those I loved.
I watch as their lives unfold and glow.
I smile as they open their souls and fly.
I long to reach out and touch a hand,
I move to the distance, not to cause disruption of the plan.
Grateful for the chance I had to know them.
Always in the middle, this is where I am silently.
When they fall, when they call, I pick up the pieces if they need.
Love is not selfish or limited.
Sometimes I dream they notice me, or change destiny; that one was meant to be.
Then I see they are happy, their lives filled with beauty, how selfish could I be?
Right here in my circle, in the middle of everything, I open my heart to each.
No matter where you go, no matter what you do, no matter who you love, I will always cherish you; for all you taught me. I kneel before you, in all of life’s glory, I wish you freedom and peace for eternity.


In the lush water, clung to my outline,
Running down my aching breasts; they swell to the touch, Imagination’s kiss.
Breath is deep, I bite my lip, my fingers slip down till I groan and whisper.
Body flushed, eyes shut, raven hair wet and stuck to my face, I begin to trace between my legs deeply.
Would you taste me?
Would you play with me?
Run your tongue across my thighs, as I pull you in tight.
Let me explore you, my mouth would adore you, with every lick.
Watch me closely, as I bend over you; tease you and taunt you to kiss my feet.
Hands on my ass, pull me down fast;
I scream as you’re thrusting, my legs wrapped around your waist; I feel you pulse our hearts race.
Your lap is drenched with my sweetness pouring, inside me filled with your delicious release.
Come to me, in astral planes
Lets live out this fantasy…


Walking slowly beside each life on this journey, I long to help them see.
These circles are not endless, these cycles are not prisons to break free.
We are each the faces of God, given the gift of creation, in sleepwalking, without guidance, all we create are circles.
The circles are strong, they encase us; they are familiar patterns. We do this for the mind to not feel scattered.
Oh but the illusions of circles spin fast. We know how long each curve will last, we can prepare for the emotions and downtime.
But in the circles of life, we become blind.
How many times must something be faced? How many times must a lesson surface? In this circle of trying to heal, repitition becomes a wheel. We were meant to walk a line of truth, unfold the journey one step at a time. I took a step to the right and my circle breaks. Everything changed, everything makes sense, I see how the unknown are relevent.
Do not discard experience, hold the essence of what is learned, but do not turn and turn in the present.
Look in the face of those who come into your awareness, they are witness to your choice to be here. We are all hand in hand.
Have no fear, listen to the whispers in your ear. How many miracles does it take, to break the chains?
Rain is not sorrow, it washes clean, brings new beginnings. Life is not a circle, it has birth and death. We begin in breath and transform with death. We never end, we carry on. To see the stars, we do not peer in circles, we gaze to the sky, into others eyes, that is a straight line, from here to there. The key to freedom, to stop the suffering, see the blessings, to change existence, to live our purpose is being present. In the moment is everything. No fear of emotions, no guilt or anger, no sadness and confusion. Just truth.
A moment of clarity changes everything. The kiss of energy wakes the spirit within. We dream the life, but wake the soul to heal.

The Melody

Blessed be the wonder of sincerity, kneel in gratuity.

How do I whisper to thee, soft heart I long to touch?

In the depth of slumber, soft hand on my shoulder, calls me.

Do not whisper to thy heart, sing!

My soul fills with an orchestra of strings, gently they surround me.

From lips of  humility, the voice finds me, takes me under wing.

I give everything in my being to the moment.

My love, on this night, the water swells and spills over my hands.

Painting a vision before me, I carry this to you.

The sands of time washed away the mystery;

hear me, touch me,  with warm kisses.

Till then, there is the melody.

We Came

Gently, as the wind graced my face with hush, softly as the song of the sky entwined with my exhale, the warmth of my heart drifted.

My ears began to ring, my hands tingle with energy, I felt my soul whisper in kind; he is waving goodbye.

In the tears that fall and water the ground, there was kindness that lifted this life that fell down.

In open heart and sincerity, I bleed.

From a light calls the voice to, ‘be still’.

We are with you, let go of your will.

Child, no love is in vain, though beg as you may, you cannot see.

There is much to learn in trusting what shall be.

This inner voice, has shown you the answers;

Given you guidance, the path has been light always.

You sought and sent wishes, across the seas and worlds heard this, we did not forsake.

This is not all your lesson, not all a mistake.

But we cannot wake the dreamer.

Walk quietly in solace, for the day will come when all of this pours through.

The truth.

What seems, can deceive.

What is, never fades.

You called, we came.

Can you understand, in your hands of love, you opened up a door.

The one who walked through, is learning too, the truth of love.

That Great Big Manifesting THING

Manifesting, this is an interesting idea to me. It makes us ask the question to self, “what do I want from this life – what do I deserve?”
What do we deserve in this life? Is life about sending out and returning desires? If we want to understand manifesting, we have to understand the meaning of life. Why? Because the idea behind manifesting is a circle. We desire and have ideas of what we need, and believe we deserve happiness and tune the mind and heart to bliss.

Put so simply. in books and seminars, there are speakers of such and self – help courses to manifest.
It’s our birthright! Some have said it’s karma. It’s taken long enough for all of us to get to this point to become aware of these laws of motions and how it pertains to self. I use the word self, because I am speaking in a way, about the mind and its conscious awareness of desires and idea.

To go back to the question of life; what is it really? Does it have a certain context to follow? Do  we have choice? Can we learn and heal our souls if we spend time on manifesting desires? Money, we manifest abundance! We give to the “Universe” and let go of this paradox we have of money. Give, give, give. The idea is, we let go of our attachments to money and oh, “amazing” it comes back in abundance! Clearly it was meant for us, this money coming back so plentiful! Perhaps we negotiate the idea we are ‘letting go’ of the need for money and ‘freeing’ ourselves from the torment of wanting. Creating another paradox. Such complexity it all turns into this manifesting. Why? Can it be perhaps this focus on self is a circle  mind frame?

To come into life, we are not born with memory. There clearly is no ideas formed as of yet. This is learned. We come here to learn. Before we were ‘aware’ of this manifesting, we did such as a natural state of living. A baby is hungry, the body speaks in conjunction with the mind of the need for food. We cry and the care giver then feeds the baby. Ah! Baby now becomes ‘aware’ after repeating this that it must manifest what it needs by sending out what it needs.

Later the baby learns desire. It desires the rattle in its hand. What does the baby do? Reach. It learns to reach and grasp. Then, the result is, baby has rattle. So simple.

understanding this, why I ask do we rely on self, on desire to manifest what we believe we need? If we observe how this works, are we directly experiencing joy and love, money and life in this?

Does manifesting not take time to return? Is this teaching us patience? Is this teaching us how to desire and then let og of desire and accept how joy returns to us in direct experiences? If direct experience of love, life, joy, and so on are present, then manifesting does not really exist other than on the level of self and desire.

Did we need a label for this? Are some things brought into awareness of thought really relevent to live in joy and happiness?

What happens with manifesting is it takes people out of being present and brings them into a circle of waiting. Sending out desires into the universe and waiting for results. Perhaps you are thinking,’no I can be both present and send something out, let it go and accept how it returns to me in joy.’
Fair enough, but that means we are not waiting for the desire we manifest. This means to not stay in that mindframe of the desire in any way.

we build inspiration boards, we set time aside for manifesting each day to keep that positive desire, or be it negative I suppose how you look at it, in our minds and thoughts. So much time on self, so much time on trying to create atmospheres for things to manifest into our lives we desire.

What would happen, if we did not desire and manifest? Would our lives become dreadful and meaningless? Would we never achieve greatness?
Achieve, strive, become. All actions, all thoughts and concepts of being. Not what IS. Not being present. Losing direct experience. Waiting for results.

We are here to learn, we are here to heal, to do this we are breaking down the ideas and self to learn directly.

Why must we manifest abundance or joy, when we can experience it RIGHT NOW?

Right now really is all. Isn’t it?

What else is there? When we answer that with truth, directly and understand this, we have our answer to manifesting.

Salvation Everlasting

Fragile heart, does not thy sun rise you up?

Wept in the hours of last, cast not thy face away from tomorrow.

Come unto me bare and pure, lest not yesterday trace thy soul.

Let no man nor shadow blind thee, ’tis words they feast, words divine.

Follow true in stillness you surrender, the angels will hold your heart.

Ask not for lessons sight, on this night your pain is great;

By morning, by the light of promise, fear nevermore.

Guiding you through are the thrones of Heaven, singing all glory’s breath through your eyes.

The love you ask in deep prayers, will be the love you give surrounded always.

Go into this day, with no expectations, let thy hands hold truth.

In this hour, breath is salvation, everlasting.


Does anyone notice the sky is falling?
Has anyone felt the globe is warming?
Did the ozone warning stop the fumes?
Did recycling cut the garbage dunes?
Did the rain forests regenerate?
Did peace stop the hate?
Where is your place in all the change?
Did marching on the lawn stop Vietnam?
Did tossing paint stop the fur from being worn?
Did riots stop while the fires burned?
Where is the face of all this change?
Who freed all the prisoners of war?
Who tore down the Berlin wall?
When the markets crashed, who took the fall?
Go and stand tall, say it was not your call.
You were not born when the slaves were torn.
You had nothing to do, with the gassing of the Jews; of course not.
Did anyone wonder what happened to the land, the Native Americans had before we stole it from their hands?
Sure, read the history books, that heals the wounds and we carry on. RIGHT?
But how did we learn, how do we see, when we are still here and bow to money?
what do we own, what do we buy, how do we get it, when we have no time?
Toss a coin in the can, for the homeless man, but hold out your home, or hold out your hand? No way man. Turn the other cheek became irony.
We all got this journey, we all got this pity, so beat by our own hands, we can’t help the next man. So we focus on the planet, all the habits we broke to save the earth.
What is that worth when man is still absurd?
Leave it to the children, the next generation, we’ve been doing this for decades and in desperation, they rise.
Can we open our minds to their eyes.
They raise the vibrations, they are the new nations and planting the seeds WE must help them grow.
Until every last bit of the past WE own, the children won’t be free.
Karma is not a disease, it’s the chance to freeze all this destruction.
When time began, far back as we can trace,
we had a choice, free will and a voice to use wise.
Now is the time to revise and reveal, the nature of all false ideals. See the truth.
We keep coming back till we do.

Arse Pucker

What does it take, to make your buttocks pucker?
A fork on a plate, a lemon sucker?
A toenail caught on a woolen blanket, but you did not know, until you yanked it. Holy Mutha, gets ya every time.
Stubbing your toe on the corner of the table?
When your underwear ride up and start to tickle; so ya try that wiggle. Never works.
When you start eating chips and are into the dip finding your bliss.. your arse starts to buckle, cause on your knuckle is a cut you did not see, and the salt has no mercy. This is puckering seriously.
When you go to take that drink, but it’s colder than ya think, goes right to the teeth, lord have mercy, pucker like a banshee.
Then comes the brain freeze, makes the arse close permanently, yet we never learn.
Sometimes ya get that pimple, in the curve of your ear, but we have no fear, so we go to touch it. Now the arse has had it, puckered so bad, you can’t even breathe.
Then comes the tweeze… That one nose hair, that should not be there; if you do it fast, perhaps you won’t care?
So ya take a deep breath and curl up your lips, ya got a good grip and then you just tair… Your poor ass cannot bear anymore. The tears well up like a storm, this pucker’s like never before. You might not fart anymore.
How does the arse get affected, are the nerves in the butt so perfected, that noise and scent get detected?
Ever have a sympathy pucker; someone falls on their balls and wonder… will they ever have kids? Cause even YOU felt it.
So the next time you go to get fries, have and itch and rub salt in your eyes, remember to hold your cheeks tight, hurts more when ya put up a fight, the pucker will only subside, when burn is gone from the mind. So next time ya drink some prune juice, know you’re arse is counting on you.

Take Me Sunday

What would it be like,
Sunday morning,
lazy day to stay in bed.
Here we are, all entwined,
sheets and pillows all a mess.
You smile at me through sleepy eyes, no place to be, just take our time.
I bring in tea and open the window, you’re singing softly a new idea.
We hum together and feel inspired, starting the day with all we hold dear.
I would kiss you like a melody, you would smile like a harmony, this is how love really should be, two like hearts in simplicity.
Hours pass, we never notice, lost in creative fluidity. No explaining, no restraining, just music and love will fill our heads.
Life will call and we will flow, in each breath we will always know, why we are here.
A blessing so true, for me and you; to connect in this life, to shine so bright we can create all this light in our words and our songs.
At the end of the day, when the world fades away, we carry on.
As the dark outlines, you read my mind, slip off my dress and trace my lips with your finger tips. The moment slips.
I crawl on your lap and slowly we laugh and unravel whats left of our skin. Naked and spent, we fly off in orbit, till Monday calls us back in.

Started As A Poem

The hours float, in this space the notes cascade around my ears.
The colors paint my soul.
Surrounded by augmented 7th these are brain chemistry.
I feel the geometry of c and b.
Yellow and bright takes me higher and higher when the guitar strings vibrate.
Give me bass, take me down to the ground, warm and brown like the earth it flows.
Tones and octaves, scales and chords bring me on. I surge and grow.
Drip me into the color blue, fuse me with green waves; pull me into red orbits, pulse me with silver halos.
Beat number 5 sounds like fire and soothes me in the pool of life.
I count backwards as the bridge collides, like a window breaking through my spine.
Loud and soft voice, you trail across the world. A prism, a spiral, a pull like undertow it glows and my reality blows apart.
Now, I am a nebula, a supernova, molten lava.
So surreal, this alternating feeling, beautiful and healing.
Broke my mind, broke the structure, the fluctuation between thought and function.Experience re-design, rna, dna, molecular regeneration, from sound dilation.
Experience the sensations, this is amazing.
Reach me in your clear ship,the blast between time and presence. The sonic boom, fills my room, I hear the gold and silver hum of your music. You twinkle, you shift, your systematic and perfect.
The circle sounds like clear ice,I feel so far away. The indigo flame calls my name, it sounds like a symphony of worlds creating.
Now there are 9, merging from the light, soft beams of love all above my heart.
Somehow we are ONE. Complete understanding, they are sending me on.
Rose is the sky, in the center of balance comes the octave of light, white, so bright it is omega.
Does the journey end here, because words cannot form what IS?
There is not description, not poetry or music? There is not thought or emotion, sensation or memory.
There is no ME.
Deeply I begin to breathe, who is beside, this vivid fire. This immaculate solar sun?
My levels are split like a rainbow of knowledge.
Notes of everyone I have been. A lifelong melody.
Was that a body? Some sort of temple in unity of experience and healing.
How did it all fit in there?
Did I shrink? Was I half a being?
My mind would never understand this meeting.
Singing is the ovoid, sounds so clear.
How did I take all that noise in my ears before?
Was like static, speratic, erratic.
Formation comes through like towers of crystals. Peaceful fluid om.
Nature appears, its music is all around.
From this level, nature is inspiration. Now I understand. This is the muse of innocence. How we can return to the symphony of creation.
When we are lost, nature holds the truth, the NOW. Its evolution our minds can find with simplicity.
Trying to teach us, pleading to reach us, but we surround with negativity. We take from creation, but never balance.
So with eyes, we can no longer see natures purity.
Now there is life. What is this experience we chose to infuse through?
We put together light and formed love. Emotions taught the mind awareness of its self, not apart from us as we will later understand.
Sensation, is experience. This lets the mind, understand the heart. What is life?
Unification of it all. Lessons, we need pain, pain is sensation, it teaches us to release. Bring in emotions, experience sensations, release. Thought is to keep the mind from breaking because until we learn to experience directly, we would never process or fathom how omega it all is.
Concept, imagination, desire, passion, laughter, anger, fear. Notes of the symphony. I do not know words for this, my creativity cannot capture how to express this. Time folding causes memory. We draw on folding time to relate the continuum of existing. We need memory like words to outline something to bind emotions to, so we can continue to express the mind to the heart. Some learn otherwise, no wrong way to exist, just what ever the soul can expand to in awareness. Some need mind to communicate to the heart, some do not. *laughing* look at the great thinkers. The genius. They let the mind be what it is. That is how they understood what many cannot.
Creating theory and questioning the big bang.
What is madness? Do some minds and thoughts become chaos? Yes, but the heart never does. The soul observes, this is a level of existence. Lesson. Experience, sensation still. Madness is others observing with sordid mind and concepts one who does not have that structure to the experience of mind process. They are not separated from mind, their reality is still reality and still healing. Another understanding we will come into with omnipresence.
The mad mind has less space to travel to be unified with heart and soul. But, it will take longer to heal and return again and again to find peace; a lesson.
Spirit, white pulsing, expanding, love, omni.
No words in my creativity to explain.
Prayers are like liquid shades of love. Illumination the space around me and the 9 that pulse compassion. The guides of each mortal – stated being, breathe light into the souls on a level the mind cannot always experience, but the prayers are ‘heard’. Answers to prayers come through sensations and emotions and then fuse into experience and energy of positive force to help us create healing. Do not separate the soul from the answers. It causes pain, then we stop learning directly and are not flowing mind with heart, we observe as two, not one.
So complex we have become to exist, this all is understood as we are on the level of omni.
Not greater are we, just expanded so we can radiate and complexity is not ‘here’.

The music has ended for now, In stillness, I go back to sleep.

No Limits

I’m a free spirit, weaving in and out of this reality
Time does not bind me, existence is altered.
I’m a radio wave, open like space
Forming words to communicate.
I’m a homing device, for different light;
Lend my mind to science, I am sure they can find it;
I just smile and pick up the pace.
Some days I want to stay and play in the grass, but it never lasts;
I get swept away.
Scrolling poetry, into some sort of understanding.
Can you follow me?
Cause the words are not things, life is a dream,
The Uni-Verse is listening. One word, One Verse, One being.
I do not follow, I do not doubt, I just write it down, as the energy makes sound.
I’m a loner, a drifter, no one, yet I listen – deeply.
As the sun fills my eyes, I hear the call of ideas, fears, hopes and tears.
In slumber, in refuge of material things, there is pain in the hands of wanting everything.
Self absorbed, means less aware, why spend life there?
Break the noise that fills the head, be who you are, live filled with breath.
Those weary hearted, always try to grasp, to bind themselves to memories past.
I will whisper if you ask, take off your mask.
Freedom is not a state of mind, it’s how you let go of it.
We were always free, flowing with change makes us see.
Spread your wings, there are no strings, create and sing,
dance and shine cause the sky has no limits.


Had, I known, my love caused pain, the name has become rain in the dreams.

Dear Heaven above, in the name of all I was, of all that created me;

Silence thee.

Make the whispers from this heart, fall among the stars; take me to beyond, where I cause no harm.

I do not understand, how in these hands I caused tears to fall.

For a light began to shine, I thought it could be mine, that in the honest prayers, someone saw me there.

I never ment a haunting, a calling or a taunting, to bring an agony.

I took the breath of life, fell down from the sky, stood beneath the sun, searching for the one; I called for years.

Love appears.

But in my fears, I pushed it away…

Pythagoras Is Laughing (Time&Age)

Why do so many fixate with age and time?
In truth, we are endless.
Shall we measure wisdom from question?
Can this be so; as wisdom comes to those who experience and form questions that develope answers directly in seeing what is.
So then is wisdom a question, a riddle, an experience?
Does wisdom come with age?
We’d like to believe that.
But believing is not knowing, its dogma, a stigmata of thought to the mind.
We cannot measure the mind, we can only experience the actions from it, related to its belief, it’s perception.
How do we take time? Does it not ever fold back on its self and recreate? if we believe we can take it, then what do we give back to keep balance? More time? Can we give time?
We can direct attention or focus into an experience, but does that change time as we believe? If we give attention to a project and another life breathing in another land is sleeping, does it alter the time they experience? This I ask so it can be observed how time is an illusion.
Time began to measure light, that in its self is to experience is a question. How does one measure all we are in such a way? This is comparing, taking apart, dissecting and giving relevance to how light fits into time. Light just IS. like love, there is no opposite. Dark might we say for opposites sake, is the other side of light?
Do we  measure darkness with time and age? Is there a speed of darkness? Was there really a dark age? Dark is immeasurable such as light, because it just IS. We experience the dark, we are not THE dark. Once light is experienced, there is not dark. Therefor, since we ARE light, there is only stigmata of darkness, dogma, idea.
So to measure time, is creating an illusion of space for light. Why do we need to do this? Does that make sense?
Age; we are not a number, we try to define how we fit into space and time with a number, but in that case, you are measuring the development of a body and mind. In the grand scheme we’d be oder than dirt. How does one directly experience this?
Have we not loved, lived, breathed, explored, learned enough yet tostop measuring ourselves by how light fits into time? We are light, age is time, why must we count how long our light has penetrated space so the mind can form more ideas about it, rather than just BE? When you love, time is experienced endless as it just IS. See this, experience this, BE. Free the mind from the illusions created of measuring.  Existence will take on a whole other LIGHT!

The Spirit Of The Warrior

The wind blew across the open,
Call to the footsteps of the Great One.
Dance for the Sun, Raise your song to the ancient ones.
Bones and earth rattle the fire, shake the stones, the medicine is in all.
Cry as the warrior, stand as the young;
Bow to the east, west, north and south, reverence for this land,
From earth to hand; from nature walks man.
Each breath is the drum, take the journey alone.
Listen to the wisdom of the smoke rise, beyond eyes there is above, there is below.
As the wolf, as the owl, as the buffalo; carve your totum, gather your clan, bring back the innocence where we began.
Give back what you take, the circle is the way to follow.
The ground is hollow, the trees are life, the river is blood flowing to the heart of the sky.
We never die, we dream with the stars.
In the dark, the echos wander, raise the bird of thunder;
Sleep then in peace.
Respect the teachers, honor the wisdom, the path calls to you.
Leave all the days behind, come forth in trust.
Bare foot, open hands, clear mind, heart of truth.
The creator will come to you and hold your hands, fill your mind with truth of heart, no longer will you walk on the barest of foot, but soar with the wings as the Spirit of the warrior.

A Little About My Journey

I have been pondering some time now if I would feel good about sharing with folks who read my blog and who have been asking about me on a personal level, what has made such impressions on my life. I have read some amazing journey of all kinds around the web, most have now become people I have found very deep inspiration from. Their lives and moments of hardship became blessings to them and they share so openly how it healed them and made them shine. I am always awe-struck with each of them; so to those of you who have shared your beautiful life altering stories/journey with us all, thank you.
Where to begin, I am more a poet than anything. Writing a blog like this is strange to me in a way, because I was torn between knowing my life lessons are for me and knowing there are more who have had much more serious and powerful stories of life than myself. I did not want to use my life journey as a tag of sorts for excuse or validation. It has been a silent struggle to speak or not about this. I have spoken to a few about what I have learned through each recent event, they have been a deep support for me, beyond words. You are a blessing to me.
Perhaps I am thinking, it could help others who are facing/might face such a moment in life to keep going, keep trusting in Spirit and themselves to learn from it and heal it, let it go and shine on!
So with that, here is my journey right now…
i was married for 15 years, we had been apart for about 2 or so a bit ago because my ex had struggled with being violent. I believe certain personalities can conflict to such a degree they bring the worst in each other; this was our case. We got married when I was 19, I had not had a serious relationship before, this was my first. He had a broken heart and was a wreck, I was not his type from the start, (he liked blonde-tall-blue eyes) but alas, he said I, “took the pain away”. I felt blown away I could be something to someone like that, to help them feel better, so when he asked me a month later to marry him, well, I said of course! Oct 22nd the next year we got married. It became a constant battle of love/hate. After 3 children and no self-worth, from all the battles and what I now step back and see, his taking out on me his unhappy choice of marrying me because deep down, he wanted another type of soul/woman. He found her in 2008. It was painful for me because he strung me along for so long he loved her. I could not fathom how you could love someone so much, yet “do the right thing” and stay with another for the kids. I was not sure if I should commend him or feel betrayed/angry. I can say now stepping back and after healing this that it was very sad for me to know all that he was feeling all this love inside for this woman, and was trying to push it down and away. why on earth do that to your soul? I see now how not being true to yourself holds the journey back. We shared a passion for music, both of us had been playing and writing, sadly not together because we did not click with that. I always wanted so badly to be with someone creative to inspire each other and share it together. That magic of creativity with someone you love would be, pure heaven on earth….
So it goes, after a long drawn out summer in 2008, he finally went with her and sort of left me with 3 kids a apartment I could not afford and bills out my buttocks. I was not working steady at the time because I had a some major surgery on my spine a year ago and was getting my walking back and so on, plus I had gotten pregnant with our 3rd baby, that blew my spine out.
I wound up losing the apartment and went to stay with my folks. I went back to school for business, thought I’d become a promoter! Yeah, oh music promo I knew I could do, man I knew a lot of bands/musicians and had my foot in the door, this would be like cake. Ah, so the classes came and went, I slowly was healing my life. Writing again, kids and myself were on our own and I was blasting through this, I felt empowered!
The thing about power, it’s a false illusion. We tell ourselves we want to feel it, yet, when it comes it becomes such a force, we lose touch with why we are on this earth. Staying humble is the only way to see our true self. The power was going to be the thing that knocked me down the hardest. I started to lose touch with my kids, the days became nights and weekends, I was “on” was too much. I started to do things that made me go home and vomit from being so fake, ass kissing was clearly not my thing. I did some concert promo and band promo, got some great cash from it, but my heart was destroyed. I remember the moment it all changed, I had read a book by an intense soul Mark Ty Wharton, the book is called  THE LOGIC OF ATTRACTION and it changed what could have been my self-destruction. I made myself look at my life and really create the setting to become who I really am, not who I ‘think’ I am.
Quick version, I was on the phone to the man who was to give me a grant from the Department of labor. I said from a place that seemed like beyond my, above me, through me, “I want to be a Nurse.” I had changed my mind about this promo stuff. He got quiet and scolded me for wasting money on the business schooling. I had paid most of it though, he only paid for me to get the supplies for the classes! Anyhow, I was called into the DOL the next week.
I was told by Mike my DOL worker that no funds were there for classes anymore. I was thinking of Mark’s book and decided to create funds for this, by going ahead with the paper work and feeling 100% sure this was for me.
I went to the school I wanted to go to ES BOCES and handed them all the register papers and told them it was to be funded by a grant from the DOL, needless to say she told me there was no funds and she was very sorry. I told her amuse me and file it anyway, it would come. After about 2 hours of begging her to do this, she relented and told me, “good luck hun, ya got spunk”.
HA, spunk, oh no, not spunk. I have neer been so utterly sure of myself as that point about anything, I knew this would work. I went back to the DOL and they tried to process it and it denied me, I sat a moment and felt the tears welling, I wanted to help people, I wanted to do something with the rest of my life to lift others, to know I made some sort of difference. I had a dream the night before of my Grand mother who passed and she said, ‘there are many who leave this life with no one to hold their hands, to help them let go, to help their family to let go, Reine’ be the light to help them find home, to go home in peace and love.’
In my tears in front of this man, he looked at my kids and me and said to me, “many people come in here, and they just want to get through the system, they want to just do what ever it takes to get the easy way; you came in here and seen the possibilities, I wish their was more I could do for you.”
I had this only happen one other time in my life, it was during the loss of a child, this warmth and light felt like it was around my shoulders and in my heart. I felt it now. I smiled and told Mike, I was grateful for all he did and was going to go. This man came in, Fred, he was there only once a month and he was from a org, hat helped homeless families get homes…
I had been living with my folks a bit because I was not able to keep the place I had for 1600 a month. I was helping them as well, my spine had went bad again and I had my second surgery to get the feeling back in my legs, at this time I was hardly walking. I was in constant pain, In 2002 I was hit by a car crossing the road and he blew the red light, hit me at 70 mph and I walked away from it with little injury, but my spine.
I had this surgery again and was bound determined to walk, so I did just that. I did not listen to the Dr to take my time, I was out walking 3 days later and after about a month, I was back to myself! HA, they said no way, I’d need a braces or maybe wheelchair. I thank my kids everyday for the inspiration to get through that. We can heal our bodies if we so chose, that is another blog.
I was with my folks and trying to find work now and trying to find a place of my own I could afford, when the news came the kids and myself had to get out because it was only a 2 bedroom and for 55 and older. I understood this and was grateful for the time I at least had toi heal my spine. I had nowhere to go through, no money cause my ex took off and we could not find him. sadly, for a time he just went poof, like we never existed. The kids took it very hard, but we got through it.
I had to leave, I packed my clothing and my kids and we spent the day at the Social Service office homeless. I was scared for the kids, hoping we would not go someplace that would be traumatic to them. The sent me to a shelter called Help Suffolk, it has been where I have stayed since July. It is more a transitional housing project for those who have kids. They have some great programs for the kids and it has taught me lessons I kneel in thanks for every single day.
I have seen deep sadness, loss, hopeless and anger here, children left for drugs and Mothers falling apart at the seams because of abuse and no education. I have seen the light of God in each face here; humble and taking each day as it comes. I have heard in the stillness of night prayers from the heart whispering through these shallow walls, prayers of help and strength. You could see someone by day screaming Fuck you to everyone that crosses their path, but by the light of the stars, I hear the truth, the soul crying out for love and some sort of hope. I have been taught the most astounding lesson, to see beyond the face of daylight, to experience directly each soul. It opened my heart like a lotus, to all. I have hugged many people who others turned away from because they thought these people were angry and evil. Some have been forgotten because they have been broken down by life and made some bad choices, but their soul, how they shine, if others could only really see.
I knew why I was brought here, and spent some time speaking out for the homeless. I always smile deeply when folks hear I am homeless and they always say, “you do not look homeless or act homeless.” I say to them always, well home is where the heart is, and my heart came from Heaven as all do. That gave me the strength to speak out for many here. They only need a chance, someone to listen. They needed to understand this was healing them and part of an experience in life they can take from. I talked with many here and it was so beautiful to know that it made a difference. We are not victims, we are humans, life sometimes tosses ya a curve, you must know everything will be fine and move through the curves. I am and never will be the same.
So, Mr Fred came into the office of the DOL, he left some papers there and was coming back for them. He was introduced to me by Mike and Mike told him I was homeless and maybe he had some real estates he could share with me. I went to Fred’s office and he began giving me cards and numbers. He asked what I was going to do with DOL and told him my story and that I was supposed to go back the school later that day to give them the papers from DOL for a grant, but they had no grants left. Mr Fred sat quiet a bit, thought maybe I had talked him into a coma. He said to me, “Reine, I have to tell you, you made a impression on me and I want to ask you to wait a bit here while I make some calls”.
he came back after about half hour and looked me dead in the face, he told me that the EOC was about helping homeless folks find houses and jobs, but had some “extra” cash that he was going to give me my grant for school, he believed in me. I was dumbfounded and hugged him over and over. He gave ne the information for the school and sent me there.i was to
I got to the school to sign up but the Nurse class was filled, till 2010. I was heartbroken, but the woman who turned out later to become a huge angel in my life told me about being a Clinical Medical Assistant and I could be certified in Phlebotomy and EGK as well, that there was one more spot left, I took it. I am now a graduate and on my way to finding a job in this field!
As of right now, I have had some crushes finding a place to live, it’s been trying because the landlords say yes, then rent the place or they say no to the program I am on to help me supplement my rent right now till I can make enough money on my own. I am still looking for a place that would take me and 3 kids. I know it will come when it is supposed to as long as I keep trying.
I am also looking for a job as a CMA but it’s taking a bit of time to find something fulltime that will take a new graduate. I have some interviews and know this will come as well. I want to work with hospice in some way and hope one day when the kids get older, I can live somewhere that I can give help to those who cannot afford medical care and food. I have always been drawn to India and maybe will go there someday.
This has been such a blessing I cannot describe in words, all of this has healed me on such a level that I live with no fear anymore, I have trust and learned patience. I have no wants or desires to have more than I really need. I now see everyone as the face of God, here like me to heal. I also found what it is like to really fall in love and feel it unconditional. That has been the biggest change in my soul. I carry this in my heart and it shines like the sun. I had not thought I could feel love like this. It came at a time in my life when I had been crushed and bare, with nothing but love to give. Pure of intent and heart. It does not matter anymore if this man feels the same or if he wanted to share time on the earth with me (though it would be a dream come true, quite litrally), I need nothing here anymore. I am free, free from all that illusions of the mind. I know this life is only part of what we all are and we never end. I know love reaches beyond this place and pours from the light. He is part of my heart always, he inspires me like no one ever has. I’m grateful to know he is alive and happy. I am too. Shine on!

Time Folds

This is the future,
Taken me fast forward, to unfreeze time
Lessons come fast, heal the past, pouring through
They knew I could handle it, it will pull us through
I breathe in pure electricity, it supercharges me
I took form, but shapes shift and turn and become fluidity
Can you take it?
Will I break you?
Close your eyes and stay empty, let the music rage from creation;
Every sensation moves one level higher, every note is a spiral of time wrapping you and folding back on its self;
Then be still.
There are many forms of existence, levels of energy and heaven in many worlds.
As you grow on earth, your evolution brings you to other plains of Now pulsing.
After this life, if we have evolved enough to handle the vibration levels we are orbs, that transmute on different levels. The Galaxy is endless. We are the stars, the moon, the sun…

You will find me again, you will find birth, infinity, the circles, the spheres, infusing and bursting recreating the energy of life.
In the beginning was concept and contemplation, thought was created by ions of light trying to merge.
They needed to become the same polarity, like a magnet, to be free.
This created heat and surges of motion and vibrations
From this came a hum, from this created space and light moved faster then space
They needed time; for time was the only way to hold space and light
This was the first thought by action
This is why we must now still our minds to hear truth
because action caused thought and changed the perfection of creation
Ever folding back on its self.
Sound followed light to keep time in motion
the first beating heart of the universe
sound is sacred, it forms and moves, keeps time and the energy of light even through mortals, souls, heaven’s balance of NOW
This is how we all come home, the sound of light pulses first then carries us through. Then light takes us in, expands us out, we fold back on ourselves to experience all we were on earth and see what we did with our lives
then comes sensation from motion as we vibrate love,
love is the result of everything.
The final chapter, the fusion of NOW and creation, light, energy, time, God
this is why birth and death are ONE
From God, returned to God, is all love
With love, transmutation.

The end

That Great Big Paradox

Life, a paradox of dreams, not always what it seems.
Big deal, it gets surreal, you work, you hurt, you pick up and feel.  We have to deal with it.
Take a break, of the give and take, always on, sometimes it feels fake.
Count the blessings, count the lies, sit in the center of your mind.
Where is up, where is down, some days are lost, some moments found.
Find your ground and you’ll come around.
Do not give in to pressure, do not give into stress,
Does it really make sense, to become such a mess?
Nothing goes right, what went wrong?
Was it really your perception, drawing you along?
Same crap, different song.
Get off the top, spinning you round,
Self inflicted, you hit the ground.
Screaming like a banshee when no ones around.
You’ve got to stay level, you have to stay sound.
Soaring then crashing is much too extreme, life should flow like a stream, sometimes winding, mostly serene.
No matter the direction, we are in this dimension,
Light reflection, your purpose recollection, mental stimulation, mind dilatation; complete transformation.
 The momentum shifts, causing the soul to drift,
I see clear, what is real and what is fear.
Earth is gravity holding us close, but the Universe knows how to make us float; in the galaxy we row light years and decades.
The paradox fades when you know the way.
Made from glass is a map of the past, shattered to pieces, was not meant to last.
What we believe, is the shadows we cast, on the red road,  we learn to go slow, it’s not what you think, it’s what you know.
Some days we get it, sometimes we need rest, it’s no use if your thoughts are a wreck.
Eventually it hits you, some point in space, one life or another, we find our place.
Be present and peaceful, keep honest and useful, in passion and intention- in love when you fall; the paradox breaks down all the walls.

In My Atmosphere

Here we are, this is all a dream; they called it life, we wanted to see.
From the light years we merge, from intention we form, blasting through the atmosphere, a breath of life is born.
What happened to the molecules that passed through gamma rays?
Within the gravity of mother earth, we restructure dna.
Telepathic, like a magnet, energy static, you’re coming through.
Over the moon, into the sun, within the space we call One;
Thought becomes sound, breaking a boundary and vibrating like rings.
It’s in my skin, it’s in my veins, blows my mind, makes me scream silently.
When you reach, my body pulses, my  world  becomes geometry.
Some strange equation, some fascination, a strong sensation keeps my elation.
Like a comet or an atom, gathering momentum,
This connection is electrical and charges all around us.
Sent back to the solar system, as they listen, worlds open wide.
I see it in our eyes, like a silver cord of fire, surges through my wires;
As I wave goodbye.


Sweet Adealine, dear friend of mine, your story incomplete;
Such a misconception, of animosity.
Many years a martyr, you’re the one that stayed behind;
The other children went ahead, and carved their place in life.
Mother, she was sickly, always dishing guilt,
You took the blame for all her pains and never said a word.
Oh but Adealine, your skin grew weary and your mouth went dry, the bitter taste of seething hate had made your heart go blind.
Wanting to do right, intentions were so pure, you built the house of humility, and painted all the walls.
The colors were of seasons, years that could have been, no man could see the layers, no keys could get them in.
What secrets held you captive, in your fairytale?
Was Mothers eyes still following you as you drove the nails?

The house became a castle, deep inside the rooms, a mystery would flourish, as the roses bloomed.
Tucked inside the closet, back behind the coats, a little girl was hiding, waiting for a ghost.
Echos in the hallways, whispers and the creeks, Adealine you left behind a shadow of deceit.
Mother, she was fading, it was taking her for years, she had no clue, just who you were and that left you to your fears.
Lost you became without her, bickering in shame, you took the face of a little girl and left Adealine in the rain.
Sitting in the window, far off in her stare, each line round her eyes has laughter, each circle has a tear.
No one can guess whats in your head, or words that sit on your lips, no sounds or expression can photograph a moment that you missed.
Gave a life of freedom, to someone elses chains, now in the house of seasons, Adealine remains…