I have been pondering some time now if I would feel good about sharing with folks who read my blog and who have been asking about me on a personal level, what has made such impressions on my life. I have read some amazing journey of all kinds around the web, most have now become people I have found very deep inspiration from. Their lives and moments of hardship became blessings to them and they share so openly how it healed them and made them shine. I am always awe-struck with each of them; so to those of you who have shared your beautiful life altering stories/journey with us all, thank you.
Where to begin, I am more a poet than anything. Writing a blog like this is strange to me in a way, because I was torn between knowing my life lessons are for me and knowing there are more who have had much more serious and powerful stories of life than myself. I did not want to use my life journey as a tag of sorts for excuse or validation. It has been a silent struggle to speak or not about this. I have spoken to a few about what I have learned through each recent event, they have been a deep support for me, beyond words. You are a blessing to me.
Perhaps I am thinking, it could help others who are facing/might face such a moment in life to keep going, keep trusting in Spirit and themselves to learn from it and heal it, let it go and shine on!
So with that, here is my journey right now…
i was married for 15 years, we had been apart for about 2 or so a bit ago because my ex had struggled with being violent. I believe certain personalities can conflict to such a degree they bring the worst in each other; this was our case. We got married when I was 19, I had not had a serious relationship before, this was my first. He had a broken heart and was a wreck, I was not his type from the start, (he liked blonde-tall-blue eyes) but alas, he said I, “took the pain away”. I felt blown away I could be something to someone like that, to help them feel better, so when he asked me a month later to marry him, well, I said of course! Oct 22nd the next year we got married. It became a constant battle of love/hate. After 3 children and no self-worth, from all the battles and what I now step back and see, his taking out on me his unhappy choice of marrying me because deep down, he wanted another type of soul/woman. He found her in 2008. It was painful for me because he strung me along for so long he loved her. I could not fathom how you could love someone so much, yet “do the right thing” and stay with another for the kids. I was not sure if I should commend him or feel betrayed/angry. I can say now stepping back and after healing this that it was very sad for me to know all that he was feeling all this love inside for this woman, and was trying to push it down and away. why on earth do that to your soul? I see now how not being true to yourself holds the journey back. We shared a passion for music, both of us had been playing and writing, sadly not together because we did not click with that. I always wanted so badly to be with someone creative to inspire each other and share it together. That magic of creativity with someone you love would be, pure heaven on earth….
So it goes, after a long drawn out summer in 2008, he finally went with her and sort of left me with 3 kids a apartment I could not afford and bills out my buttocks. I was not working steady at the time because I had a some major surgery on my spine a year ago and was getting my walking back and so on, plus I had gotten pregnant with our 3rd baby, that blew my spine out.
I wound up losing the apartment and went to stay with my folks. I went back to school for business, thought I’d become a promoter! Yeah, oh music promo I knew I could do, man I knew a lot of bands/musicians and had my foot in the door, this would be like cake. Ah, so the classes came and went, I slowly was healing my life. Writing again, kids and myself were on our own and I was blasting through this, I felt empowered!
The thing about power, it’s a false illusion. We tell ourselves we want to feel it, yet, when it comes it becomes such a force, we lose touch with why we are on this earth. Staying humble is the only way to see our true self. The power was going to be the thing that knocked me down the hardest. I started to lose touch with my kids, the days became nights and weekends, I was “on” was too much. I started to do things that made me go home and vomit from being so fake, ass kissing was clearly not my thing. I did some concert promo and band promo, got some great cash from it, but my heart was destroyed. I remember the moment it all changed, I had read a book by an intense soul Mark Ty Wharton, the book is called THE LOGIC OF ATTRACTION and it changed what could have been my self-destruction. I made myself look at my life and really create the setting to become who I really am, not who I ‘think’ I am.
Quick version, I was on the phone to the man who was to give me a grant from the Department of labor. I said from a place that seemed like beyond my, above me, through me, “I want to be a Nurse.” I had changed my mind about this promo stuff. He got quiet and scolded me for wasting money on the business schooling. I had paid most of it though, he only paid for me to get the supplies for the classes! Anyhow, I was called into the DOL the next week.
I was told by Mike my DOL worker that no funds were there for classes anymore. I was thinking of Mark’s book and decided to create funds for this, by going ahead with the paper work and feeling 100% sure this was for me.
I went to the school I wanted to go to ES BOCES and handed them all the register papers and told them it was to be funded by a grant from the DOL, needless to say she told me there was no funds and she was very sorry. I told her amuse me and file it anyway, it would come. After about 2 hours of begging her to do this, she relented and told me, “good luck hun, ya got spunk”.
HA, spunk, oh no, not spunk. I have neer been so utterly sure of myself as that point about anything, I knew this would work. I went back to the DOL and they tried to process it and it denied me, I sat a moment and felt the tears welling, I wanted to help people, I wanted to do something with the rest of my life to lift others, to know I made some sort of difference. I had a dream the night before of my Grand mother who passed and she said, ‘there are many who leave this life with no one to hold their hands, to help them let go, to help their family to let go, Reine’ be the light to help them find home, to go home in peace and love.’
In my tears in front of this man, he looked at my kids and me and said to me, “many people come in here, and they just want to get through the system, they want to just do what ever it takes to get the easy way; you came in here and seen the possibilities, I wish their was more I could do for you.”
I had this only happen one other time in my life, it was during the loss of a child, this warmth and light felt like it was around my shoulders and in my heart. I felt it now. I smiled and told Mike, I was grateful for all he did and was going to go. This man came in, Fred, he was there only once a month and he was from a org, hat helped homeless families get homes…
I had been living with my folks a bit because I was not able to keep the place I had for 1600 a month. I was helping them as well, my spine had went bad again and I had my second surgery to get the feeling back in my legs, at this time I was hardly walking. I was in constant pain, In 2002 I was hit by a car crossing the road and he blew the red light, hit me at 70 mph and I walked away from it with little injury, but my spine.
I had this surgery again and was bound determined to walk, so I did just that. I did not listen to the Dr to take my time, I was out walking 3 days later and after about a month, I was back to myself! HA, they said no way, I’d need a braces or maybe wheelchair. I thank my kids everyday for the inspiration to get through that. We can heal our bodies if we so chose, that is another blog.
I was with my folks and trying to find work now and trying to find a place of my own I could afford, when the news came the kids and myself had to get out because it was only a 2 bedroom and for 55 and older. I understood this and was grateful for the time I at least had toi heal my spine. I had nowhere to go through, no money cause my ex took off and we could not find him. sadly, for a time he just went poof, like we never existed. The kids took it very hard, but we got through it.
I had to leave, I packed my clothing and my kids and we spent the day at the Social Service office homeless. I was scared for the kids, hoping we would not go someplace that would be traumatic to them. The sent me to a shelter called Help Suffolk, it has been where I have stayed since July. It is more a transitional housing project for those who have kids. They have some great programs for the kids and it has taught me lessons I kneel in thanks for every single day.
I have seen deep sadness, loss, hopeless and anger here, children left for drugs and Mothers falling apart at the seams because of abuse and no education. I have seen the light of God in each face here; humble and taking each day as it comes. I have heard in the stillness of night prayers from the heart whispering through these shallow walls, prayers of help and strength. You could see someone by day screaming Fuck you to everyone that crosses their path, but by the light of the stars, I hear the truth, the soul crying out for love and some sort of hope. I have been taught the most astounding lesson, to see beyond the face of daylight, to experience directly each soul. It opened my heart like a lotus, to all. I have hugged many people who others turned away from because they thought these people were angry and evil. Some have been forgotten because they have been broken down by life and made some bad choices, but their soul, how they shine, if others could only really see.
I knew why I was brought here, and spent some time speaking out for the homeless. I always smile deeply when folks hear I am homeless and they always say, “you do not look homeless or act homeless.” I say to them always, well home is where the heart is, and my heart came from Heaven as all do. That gave me the strength to speak out for many here. They only need a chance, someone to listen. They needed to understand this was healing them and part of an experience in life they can take from. I talked with many here and it was so beautiful to know that it made a difference. We are not victims, we are humans, life sometimes tosses ya a curve, you must know everything will be fine and move through the curves. I am and never will be the same.
So, Mr Fred came into the office of the DOL, he left some papers there and was coming back for them. He was introduced to me by Mike and Mike told him I was homeless and maybe he had some real estates he could share with me. I went to Fred’s office and he began giving me cards and numbers. He asked what I was going to do with DOL and told him my story and that I was supposed to go back the school later that day to give them the papers from DOL for a grant, but they had no grants left. Mr Fred sat quiet a bit, thought maybe I had talked him into a coma. He said to me, “Reine, I have to tell you, you made a impression on me and I want to ask you to wait a bit here while I make some calls”.
he came back after about half hour and looked me dead in the face, he told me that the EOC was about helping homeless folks find houses and jobs, but had some “extra” cash that he was going to give me my grant for school, he believed in me. I was dumbfounded and hugged him over and over. He gave ne the information for the school and sent me there.i was to
I got to the school to sign up but the Nurse class was filled, till 2010. I was heartbroken, but the woman who turned out later to become a huge angel in my life told me about being a Clinical Medical Assistant and I could be certified in Phlebotomy and EGK as well, that there was one more spot left, I took it. I am now a graduate and on my way to finding a job in this field!
As of right now, I have had some crushes finding a place to live, it’s been trying because the landlords say yes, then rent the place or they say no to the program I am on to help me supplement my rent right now till I can make enough money on my own. I am still looking for a place that would take me and 3 kids. I know it will come when it is supposed to as long as I keep trying.
I am also looking for a job as a CMA but it’s taking a bit of time to find something fulltime that will take a new graduate. I have some interviews and know this will come as well. I want to work with hospice in some way and hope one day when the kids get older, I can live somewhere that I can give help to those who cannot afford medical care and food. I have always been drawn to India and maybe will go there someday.
This has been such a blessing I cannot describe in words, all of this has healed me on such a level that I live with no fear anymore, I have trust and learned patience. I have no wants or desires to have more than I really need. I now see everyone as the face of God, here like me to heal. I also found what it is like to really fall in love and feel it unconditional. That has been the biggest change in my soul. I carry this in my heart and it shines like the sun. I had not thought I could feel love like this. It came at a time in my life when I had been crushed and bare, with nothing but love to give. Pure of intent and heart. It does not matter anymore if this man feels the same or if he wanted to share time on the earth with me (though it would be a dream come true, quite litrally), I need nothing here anymore. I am free, free from all that illusions of the mind. I know this life is only part of what we all are and we never end. I know love reaches beyond this place and pours from the light. He is part of my heart always, he inspires me like no one ever has. I’m grateful to know he is alive and happy. I am too. Shine on!