I’ll Be Here

When the cold reaches to the core,

When life becomes a broken arrow,

Know in the sorrow, there is afterglow.

When imagination surges, when the day merges into night,

All the moments that burned so bright gone dim,

I’ll be here, waiting.

I’ll reach across the winding seas, through the circles of time, through eternity; to you.

When you can barely breathe, when laying on the floor, tears flow, when you want to let it all go;

With all I am, all that created me, I will be here, holding you endlessly.

In your silence, in your fears, in your doubt and binding years,

I’ll be here, praying for you.

I won’t walk away, my love will stay true.

Nothing expected, nothing regretted,

I’ll be here always, lifting you.

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Reject

Woman, give up, when all is said and done;

You have to turn around and see, you’re talking to no one.

When will you learn, till your soul burns;

You’re a reject.

No smiling face, no romantic poetry, no open heart is going to

bring them close.

You give all you are, but it won’t get you far as a reject.

Learn to accept your fate.

A strong lesson to bear, sometimes life is not fair,

Go deep inside.

Hide.

Did you not learn from the last time?

No man is going to hold you tight, be a fire, whisper I love you at night.

Woman, you’re a reject.

Feel sorry for yourself, because no one else will.

Wake up and keep going, life is not slowing down.

Turn around, get off the ground, it hurts, but you’ll live.

Reject.

For some time, I was doing amazing, had the light and strength to heal through some changes. Seems I am taking ten steps back. Thought I was stronger than I am I guess. I feel rejected from love over and over in this life.

I have to say though, I respect my Ex much more now because he did something now, I see as brave and honest he stopped living a lie.

I think when he married  me he had a good intent, but the truth came out years later.  He cared about me as a person, but not in love with me. But he lied to me and tried lying to himself for 15 years. He did not want to be the bad guy, told himself do the right thing, we had some happy times that I guess he wanted to be loyal for, not to mention kids. But that love folks need, was not really there. 

Deep down he told me recently, he was always searching for someone else who he was not sure existed. I told him I so understood. He said he grew to hate me because he was ‘trapped” and began hitting me and became abusive.

I asked him why did you not just leave me? It was a rotten feeling knowing he stayed with me but was not really all there with me. He could not give me a answer. I let it go. But I did tell him, I see him in a new light, with respect.

I know it was not really easy to make the choice he did to leave me and 3 kids. He was torn a bit, back and forth for some time, of course I kept going back, we had at one time not been living together when our first child was born, but worked it out. It never really felt right though.

I told him so many people spend their lives convincing them selves they are happy, it blows my mind. He knows I forgive him. I see now how he put himself through hell. I just cannot and will never grasp why. I told him I would have rather been apart then think I was with someone who was there with all their heart, not secretly wanting to be with someone else. but, this is one of those things, you have no answer for, you just have to live in the NOW and forgive and move on. People change too. What was meant for us at one time, does not mean it will last a lifetime. Some do, some don’t.

My respect for him I told him was because he decided to take the chance, to leave what he knew and take that leap into the unknown and follow his heart. He knew it would be very hard, no to mention I wound up homeless etc, but that was my lessons, my blessings to grow, not all his. But he really loved this woman for a long time and she loved him. He said it was the biggest risk he ever took, but he said something to me, that deeply hit home. For once my Ex said something I learned deeply from. He told me “really Reine’ I could have stayed with you and lived like that till we died, but it hit me, my heart was with someone else, I had already left years ago anyway.”

Why am I writing this blog? To heal something. Because life is lessons, we never stop learning. Awake does not mean we do not still learn and hurt and grow. It means we now understand how and why we must work through things in life. Never stop doing this. However we do it. This is my way.

So, I told him he has my respect for being brave and trusting his heart. That it shines to me. He does not understand my soul and heart really, how I can be forgiving. It’s about quality of life experience and knowing truth. Knowing how to heal directly. The poem above  is a harsh way of putting my feelings and emotions on my situation right now. I deep down inside wish I had a happy ending like my ex. That for once someone I dearly love would find me worthy of a risk, a moment in time, not out of duty, not pity, but love. Love that we inspire each other, we both want to do our bit to help others shine and heal.  That we reached a amazing point in our loves that we are awake and aware, both on that same vibration. No fear, no shame, no bullshit. Love. My Ex and his love are perfect in each way for one another. I see where this is true, restored my faith in true love. They flow, they understand each other and inspire each other, where him and I could not. THAT is everything. So simple, yet people just do not get it.

So, this not my typical blog, but it is where I am right now, my space of being. I am in love; in fact, what hit me here is, this man, is the one. The one I dreamed of my whole life. He is really alive. He used my words, trust, dunno if you can imagine having someone sing your very soul, your fears, and blow your heart open when you are laying in the dirt so to speak crushed. He seen my heart, my little light that was somehow left and made it shine with his light. Then, over time… touched all my sacred spaces in my heart. He went into a space in me, I never allowed another. I began to experience love in ways I could imagine was possible on earth. From Spirit to Spirit, heart and soul. Creation… lifetimes. I know, no doubts this love is a sacred gift. I know he can feel me and my heart. We are entwined. We are fire and water. Breath and light. But how does one once you experience this, just let it go?

To me it is like meeting God and saying, nah, sorry no miracle you give me will mean anything to me. This love transformed me. I trust so deeply, I know so sure, this is the one. He from all I have experienced has been for lifetimes. Even writing this my heart is on fire and I see angels. They ring when I pour my heart out about him. If this was so wrong, Spirit would never have connected us in this space. There have been many men who show interest, who are amazing, and it has not been like this one for me.

i could write a book here, I might have already. I will end it as there is nothing more I could put into words that could even come close to describe how I love this JOY!

Look Again

Look at my face, would you know, it’s 3am and I got no place to go?

3 kids, no beds, no safe place to lay our heads.

Look at my clothes, would you see, we have got no food to eat?

Do not judge, what you cannot see, learn to listen carefully.

See that man on the corner of the street; he’s only got 2 months to live.

AIDS took a toll, now he lost his home;

2 kids and a job was a life of gold.

What did you ask me? Drugs or gay?

Is this what you assume made him this way?

You better think, before you speak,

Look at all humans as unique.

No matter how something happens, no one should suffer.

We got lessons to learn here, this is true,

We have to work things through – know the lessons are blessings to heal.

Stop living life in some ideal.

This is real.

I did not sit and cry, oh why me.

I did not blame the system, or sit like some victim in fear.

I got on my knees to reveal, the truth.

It’s in me and you.

We are going to fall, we are going to break, this whole life is give and take.

I am grateful it happened, changed my ways.

I don’t take for granted a single day.

Learned to be selfless, I have no pride, no ego to bow to, not stuck in some lie.

I had to climb, had to feel, take each step slow to heal.

We have this gift. a chance to shine, use your light and create a life.

Inside every set of eyes is a child.

We did not start out as derelicts or homeless, we had dreams.

We could not see the way, the journey.

We had to wake.

We had to break the chains.

The only way, is to start over again.

To be free, there must be peace, not in the world, but you and me first.

Quench the thirst for love, for validation, for understanding.

Then everything you do, will have purpose and compassion.

Change, it’s how to stop just surviving and live.

Grandfather’s Land

Quietly I sit here with the land, the soft earth recites for me a story.

Grandfather, it is said sat with the land, cultivated the soils.

Strange waters rained, from tainted rivers evaporating, the land grew barren.

Child he would say, the trees hold the medicine of many moons and suns.

As you sit with the great oaks, you sit with keepers.

Even the earth beneath them has lessons to teach.

Out across grasslands, no fire could burn as deeply as the miles walked for freedom.

Blood of truth, of hands raised to the vast and endless sky mark the clouds.

The land is greater then history; it never left the earth.

What we have given this soil, what has sewn into crops and waters is Spirit.

Tears, love, the promise of a new dawn rest waiting in this land.

Listen child, watch child, return all you take child.

All you need will be given in grace,  pass this on to your kin.

Teach them of the butterflies, the sun and the winds.

Show them the seas and how to respect them.

Leave them seeds to grow,

The earth is a healer, a gift from God.

Morning

Was dark still as I woke from slumber,

Silence covers my breath.

Transcendent breeze across the grass, droplets form on my window like a kiss.

I close my eyes and make a wish.

 To hear a whisper, I am proud of you, you are worth it.

A warm caress, I love you just because.

The symphony comes from the sunrise, makes me high.

Where are the brave to love?

I pray to touch a heart.

Life gets hard, Spirit never gives up, through the lands I heal my soul.

I will give unconditional.

I am a servant to all.

In this space, is beautiful.

I am grateful.

Ocean Temptress

latitude and longitude merge

I stand at the edge, the air is damp with the salt of raging whitecaps.

Thrusted high as my visions altitude reaches, gulls peek.

In the breath of exhilaration, I hear the cry of the sea.

Temptress of the deep.

Storms brew wayward, sail do we through the night.

Lands and cultures leave traces on the trade winds,

My soul has set upon 7 oceans, drifted in tides and glaciers.

I have swam in the presence of whales as they guided me to dream.

Through the telescope I see, a shore I have never been.

For this is where I belong.

At The Edge OF The Sword

Night was the hostage, a tormented concubine

She lay waiting, for what she did not know.

Metaphors fill her head, she cannot express the portraits they paint.

Why did he leave her crying at the riverbank?

Will he ever return?

Duties  of each day kept the lovers away, was it meant to be like this?

Would ages ago reveal a promise, a kiss,  a gallant death of being?

She drifts, to a time of love professed in subtle messages, written across a tranquil sky.

Does this heart still beat in time, will the rain bring the shine again?

As she lay still, covered in night, prayers on the lips of tomorrow.

Meet me in a sacred place.

The sword came down, lashed across her soul;

Gasping for breath, for understanding.

Forever became far and away…

Blood flowed like penitence, she whispered to him

Had we taken the chance, left fear to the moors, we would be dancing under the stars.

If we had.

Velvet Luna

I want to make love to you, under the cresent moon;

The very first kiss, will taste like June.

I want to reach you through a solar flare,  run your fingers through my galaxy hair.

What side of the universe could ever prepare me for this?

I want to touch you like a Muse of Venus, whisper scarlet pondering in your ear.

If I could pull you near, we would pour like aqua, melt like chocolate, the essence of lava.

Close your eyes, open your senses, feel me, breathe me, luminous lover.

Penetrate me like velvet luna.

The Genius Of Inertia

Abstracts of humanity, solitary vision keepers. The strange, the independent genius, the decadent, the inventive. This is inspiration.

Wired out on caffeine and lack of rest, the afternoon is a playground of teenage zombies.

Remember when, we would spray paint our dockmartins, hangout on the playground after hours.

What ever happened to Ricky Stevens; did he make it to California on the rebellious genre?

I still scream when I pass by CBGB, tattooed lipstick and blue hair.

After dark, lost in the park, the village vanguard would never card.

Poetic renaissance was the genius of inertia.

Train rides to nowhere.

We were angry for angers sake, never time for the fakes;

Plastic – fantastic persona in retrograde.

We had it made.

Always running away, did we ever arrive anyplace?

Still till this day, I see the spark of a teenager.

The Ship

june6th2016 016How I covet thee majestic lady, masts of virtue command the winds!

As you brood and sway on the liquid sky, we long to be explorers on your mystical journey.

What lands have you caressed; secret treasures have you lost in the darkened waters.

How I long  to cast anchor as your servant, through storm and high seas!

Bring me to the horizon, the cusp of possibility.

Wonderous is this uncharted map, the cosmos guide by points of light.

Maiden of the ocean, will you keep my heart?

Leave me far and away from myself.

Tides of time and sands of life wave goodbye for now.

Fragment

Here I stand, face to the sun. Legs buckle beneath. Let the heart bleed. Hands tremble and breath is deep.

But for the grace of God, it is I who they speak.

Oh how slowly I turn, under the sky of falling dreams.

Nothing but the earth to catch me.

Now I am a child again; looking at the woman weep.

All you wanted to be, those nights you were feared

You could not sleep.

The little girl reaches 30 years, to the broken woman engulfed in tears.

Let go woman, you’ve done your best, your soul is tired, it needs to rest.

The little girl from the past, never gave up on you, as she holds out her hands.

Make peace with me, so I can be free.

She wants to run in the grass, play and laugh; sing to heaven and never look back.

The woman cannot lift her head, her will has left, she won’t last.

Words escape her, left but a sigh, she closes her eyes;

She whispers to the child, I tried, with all I am, I tried.

There is silence, as the sun reaches down and guides the child home again.

One day she will return, in the woman of innocence.