Reject

Woman, give up, when all is said and done;

You have to turn around and see, you’re talking to no one.

When will you learn, till your soul burns;

You’re a reject.

No smiling face, no romantic poetry, no open heart is going to

bring them close.

You give all you are, but it won’t get you far as a reject.

Learn to accept your fate.

A strong lesson to bear, sometimes life is not fair,

Go deep inside.

Hide.

Did you not learn from the last time?

No man is going to hold you tight, be a fire, whisper I love you at night.

Woman, you’re a reject.

Feel sorry for yourself, because no one else will.

Wake up and keep going, life is not slowing down.

Turn around, get off the ground, it hurts, but you’ll live.

Reject.

For some time, I was doing amazing, had the light and strength to heal through some changes. Seems I am taking ten steps back. Thought I was stronger than I am I guess. I feel rejected from love over and over in this life.

I have to say though, I respect my Ex much more now because he did something now, I see as brave and honest he stopped living a lie.

I think when he married  me he had a good intent, but the truth came out years later.  He cared about me as a person, but not in love with me. But he lied to me and tried lying to himself for 15 years. He did not want to be the bad guy, told himself do the right thing, we had some happy times that I guess he wanted to be loyal for, not to mention kids. But that love folks need, was not really there. 

Deep down he told me recently, he was always searching for someone else who he was not sure existed. I told him I so understood. He said he grew to hate me because he was ‘trapped” and began hitting me and became abusive.

I asked him why did you not just leave me? It was a rotten feeling knowing he stayed with me but was not really all there with me. He could not give me a answer. I let it go. But I did tell him, I see him in a new light, with respect.

I know it was not really easy to make the choice he did to leave me and 3 kids. He was torn a bit, back and forth for some time, of course I kept going back, we had at one time not been living together when our first child was born, but worked it out. It never really felt right though.

I told him so many people spend their lives convincing them selves they are happy, it blows my mind. He knows I forgive him. I see now how he put himself through hell. I just cannot and will never grasp why. I told him I would have rather been apart then think I was with someone who was there with all their heart, not secretly wanting to be with someone else. but, this is one of those things, you have no answer for, you just have to live in the NOW and forgive and move on. People change too. What was meant for us at one time, does not mean it will last a lifetime. Some do, some don’t.

My respect for him I told him was because he decided to take the chance, to leave what he knew and take that leap into the unknown and follow his heart. He knew it would be very hard, no to mention I wound up homeless etc, but that was my lessons, my blessings to grow, not all his. But he really loved this woman for a long time and she loved him. He said it was the biggest risk he ever took, but he said something to me, that deeply hit home. For once my Ex said something I learned deeply from. He told me “really Reine’ I could have stayed with you and lived like that till we died, but it hit me, my heart was with someone else, I had already left years ago anyway.”

Why am I writing this blog? To heal something. Because life is lessons, we never stop learning. Awake does not mean we do not still learn and hurt and grow. It means we now understand how and why we must work through things in life. Never stop doing this. However we do it. This is my way.

So, I told him he has my respect for being brave and trusting his heart. That it shines to me. He does not understand my soul and heart really, how I can be forgiving. It’s about quality of life experience and knowing truth. Knowing how to heal directly. The poem above  is a harsh way of putting my feelings and emotions on my situation right now. I deep down inside wish I had a happy ending like my ex. That for once someone I dearly love would find me worthy of a risk, a moment in time, not out of duty, not pity, but love. Love that we inspire each other, we both want to do our bit to help others shine and heal.  That we reached a amazing point in our loves that we are awake and aware, both on that same vibration. No fear, no shame, no bullshit. Love. My Ex and his love are perfect in each way for one another. I see where this is true, restored my faith in true love. They flow, they understand each other and inspire each other, where him and I could not. THAT is everything. So simple, yet people just do not get it.

So, this not my typical blog, but it is where I am right now, my space of being. I am in love; in fact, what hit me here is, this man, is the one. The one I dreamed of my whole life. He is really alive. He used my words, trust, dunno if you can imagine having someone sing your very soul, your fears, and blow your heart open when you are laying in the dirt so to speak crushed. He seen my heart, my little light that was somehow left and made it shine with his light. Then, over time… touched all my sacred spaces in my heart. He went into a space in me, I never allowed another. I began to experience love in ways I could imagine was possible on earth. From Spirit to Spirit, heart and soul. Creation… lifetimes. I know, no doubts this love is a sacred gift. I know he can feel me and my heart. We are entwined. We are fire and water. Breath and light. But how does one once you experience this, just let it go?

To me it is like meeting God and saying, nah, sorry no miracle you give me will mean anything to me. This love transformed me. I trust so deeply, I know so sure, this is the one. He from all I have experienced has been for lifetimes. Even writing this my heart is on fire and I see angels. They ring when I pour my heart out about him. If this was so wrong, Spirit would never have connected us in this space. There have been many men who show interest, who are amazing, and it has not been like this one for me.

i could write a book here, I might have already. I will end it as there is nothing more I could put into words that could even come close to describe how I love this JOY!

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