Trying To Understand

I am writing this blog just trying sort out my heart right now. I always write it down to understand it all. Something happend to me once again, meaning somehow the first time I did not get it. I am starting to feel my heart closing down. It is too much for me at this time to feel.

I ask my guides and angels for mercy to please understand what have I done? I beg for them to work on me more so I may not experience this anymore.  I give all I am, truly. I am kind, not self centered, I love all and see the most beautiful souls walking this earth in everyone.

Somehow though, I seem to be some sort of freak that men tell me one thing and then just from nowhere walk away.

My ex, for 15 years said I love you, only to tell me later, he really never did.  He was always in love with someone else. It hurt to be wasting so much of my life when I could have found someone who really did love me. That broke me a bit. I swore I would never be with anyone else. Trust me, I was not wanting anyone after that. Was a rough time. Lot going on. I was just taking it a day at a time. Then along comes this man, who knew my situation, I was already heartbroken.  I allowed him into my heart because I could feel him, all my life I was a freak to those around me. How does she see this stuff? How did she know that? I closed off to others because I scared folks for some reason. They thought I was a freak because “no one is that nice and honest” or I would feel them and be in awe and they would not understand and run. So this man, he was the first in my whole life that I connected with that stayed around. I did not mean to fall in love. Was not my intent at first.  He just, touched my Soul and heart. I started to remember things from other “times”. Everything being given/shown to me was this is the one. He was the first person ever in my life to read my poetry and find something really in it. He understands me and feeling him is a love I have never known. He seemed to feel the same. He knew I fell madly in love with him. He is married, I knew this though. But I tried to walk away. I felt like my life was empty then. What do we do when we meet someone you prayed for your whole life? Connect Spirits and create together so perfectly? Write it off as a moment? I can’t. It hurts more then I can bare. Why would someone who knows you just got over being crushed, sing you love songs and then just… go blank. Never explain, never talk to me about why, just ignore my asking why and leave me crying my soul out? What did I do wrong?

I know with all my being, we are entwined, like fire and water, love and light. Too much synchronized and I can feel him like my own heart. I know he can feel me too. I am starting to find myself in a deep depression and like I am wondering the earth again lost, in shock. This is the love I will not get “over”. I rather just focus on other things life has to offer and my kids and serve others and help them heal.

If anyone actually read this, thank you for being compassionate and not judging me. It all started with Trust, I pray the trust stays.

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7 thoughts on “Trying To Understand

    • From my heart, thank you. I came here to heal, so this trial will be the last of them, that I know for sure. I trust life and all it is for us, so I love with all I am and give thanks for what was given to me.

    • Your words have touched my soul. Hoping to reach out with a little advice. From an outside perspective, it seems to me that YOU are NOT the problem. Honey, take my advice on this one- the MEN here are the problem- you are not some kind of “freak”- you are a loving and sensitive, creative, talented artistic woman. You deserve love and respect, and you will find it one day. Until then, these fools are NOT worth a moment of your time or worry. Just keep trusting and most of all- TRUST YOURSELF!!!!

      Much Love
      -Indigo Skye

  1. I shall only say, stay strong. Release and and step back. You deserve the very best and anyone that does not love you 100% is not the very best. 😉

  2. I am touched by the truth of your words. Keep placing the words of your heart on the page of your expressions. You are a beatiful soul and don’t need anyone else in order to shine. Focus on your light as God’s light shines in, through, and around you. Rest and be blessed knowing that true LOVE is all giving, all bestowing and you have been a true lover when (men) others have not. Blessings on you. Chuck

  3. Bonjour Reine,votre désarroi est touchant,mais la réalité est autre! j’ai vécue une histoire de 9 ans avec un homme marié,nous nous aimions intensément ,nous vivions des temps très fort, notre complicité fascinante,tous les jours a nous aimer.Nos échanges par mails, téléphone,la webcam , développait notre désir incroyablement dingue! un homme charmant, les yeux bleu,un joli sourire une voix douce et chaude.un parisien, tout ce passait a merveille jusqu’à’ ce que je découvre qui y avait d’autres femmes a ses côtés !il rencontrait physiquement, d’autres sur des réseaux sociaux,twitter,facebook,my speaces.. il envoyait des roses de paris. des poèmes de Paul Eluard” la courbe de tes yeux” de la musique américaine,et cette femme lui répondait qu’elle voulait être prés de lui boire un verre et danser, nager (mai 2009). je ne voulais pas croire ce que je lisait,les larmes coulaient a flot , la douleur horrible ! je continuais et là je découvre qu’il a une vie secrète sur second live depuis 2006 avec une autre femme , elle s’est sa déesse, son amour,! puis une autre Juin 2009 qu’il appelle ma chérie,une américaine qui vie a paris six mois de l’année ! et puis un jour la stupéfaction an août 2009 la rencontre d’une autre femme qui allait le rejoindre dans notre lieu !j’étais altérer de tout mon être ! Nous nous étions promis de tout nous dire,malheureusement il a faillit, j’ai attendu qu’il se manifeste ,mais rien !donc j’ai appliqué une stratégie et je suis restée avec lui, comme ci je ne savais pas, notre relation amoureuse n’avait pas changée pour lui ! je l’emmenait dans des sujets de conversations sur la trahison du couple ,je lui parlai de son épouse,de sa fille,de son garçon de son père ,j’ai un profond respect pour sa famille,comme il en a pour la mienne! mais lui pas pour moi a l’évidence !! il me disait qu’il m’aimait,me l’écrivait qu’il était bien avec moi que nous étions un couple ,je l’ai cru jusqu’en avril 2010 ! et là son silence face a mon récit sur sa vie débridée ,sa traîtrise ,je me suis sentie humilié,il m’a menti! mais que de vais je attendre d’un homme qui trompe sa femme sous son toit! sinon que de l’illusion !aujourd’hui ma vie et ma santé sont a rudes épreuves ! a ce jour il m’ignore !ma souffrance c’est de me dire que l’homme que j’ai aimé de toute mon âme n’est qu’un malpropre et un malhonnête, un séducteur ,un libertin, un opportuniste! Reine il y a surement un homme célibataire qui vous attend, ne vous laissez pas abuser par un être malsain et un pervers! je sais que mes propos vont vous faire du mal ,j’en suis profondément attristée,je me devais de le faire ! vos guides spirituels se font médiateur entre vous et moi,il n’y a pas de hasard.Reine que la paix soit avec vous .

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