I am writing this blog just trying sort out my heart right now. I always write it down to understand it all. Something happend to me once again, meaning somehow the first time I did not get it. I am starting to feel my heart closing down. It is too much for me at this time to feel.
I ask my guides and angels for mercy to please understand what have I done? I beg for them to work on me more so I may not experience this anymore. I give all I am, truly. I am kind, not self centered, I love all and see the most beautiful souls walking this earth in everyone.
Somehow though, I seem to be some sort of freak that men tell me one thing and then just from nowhere walk away.
My ex, for 15 years said I love you, only to tell me later, he really never did. He was always in love with someone else. It hurt to be wasting so much of my life when I could have found someone who really did love me. That broke me a bit. I swore I would never be with anyone else. Trust me, I was not wanting anyone after that. Was a rough time. Lot going on. I was just taking it a day at a time. Then along comes this man, who knew my situation, I was already heartbroken. I allowed him into my heart because I could feel him, all my life I was a freak to those around me. How does she see this stuff? How did she know that? I closed off to others because I scared folks for some reason. They thought I was a freak because “no one is that nice and honest” or I would feel them and be in awe and they would not understand and run. So this man, he was the first in my whole life that I connected with that stayed around. I did not mean to fall in love. Was not my intent at first. He just, touched my Soul and heart. I started to remember things from other “times”. Everything being given/shown to me was this is the one. He was the first person ever in my life to read my poetry and find something really in it. He understands me and feeling him is a love I have never known. He seemed to feel the same. He knew I fell madly in love with him. He is married, I knew this though. But I tried to walk away. I felt like my life was empty then. What do we do when we meet someone you prayed for your whole life? Connect Spirits and create together so perfectly? Write it off as a moment? I can’t. It hurts more then I can bare. Why would someone who knows you just got over being crushed, sing you love songs and then just… go blank. Never explain, never talk to me about why, just ignore my asking why and leave me crying my soul out? What did I do wrong?
I know with all my being, we are entwined, like fire and water, love and light. Too much synchronized and I can feel him like my own heart. I know he can feel me too. I am starting to find myself in a deep depression and like I am wondering the earth again lost, in shock. This is the love I will not get “over”. I rather just focus on other things life has to offer and my kids and serve others and help them heal.
If anyone actually read this, thank you for being compassionate and not judging me. It all started with Trust, I pray the trust stays.