Loner (words)

I’m a loner, don’t get close to me

I like to be free.

I am a loner, don’t try to love me;

I am a loner, trust is a illusion, I won’t fall into it again.

I am just making my way here, loving my children.

I am a loner, don’t need  handouts, don’t need no pity or advice.

I gave from a space of light.

I am a loner, even death don’t want me.

Life, it got me.

Don’t try to pull me in.

I have no friends.

I won’t harm another living thing, won’t lie or play games.

Best to stay in my own quiet space,

I am a loner.

I am done with the pain, the misunderstandings and shame.

I don’t need my heart to break anymore.

I close the door.

If loving too much is wrong, then I got too much to learn.

I did it all on my own, there were some dark nights alone.

Many nights as a child, locked in a closet, you think I can’t handle being deserted?

Well, here I am.

I been torn down many times, believed many lies,

In my heart, I never wanted to think others would try to put out my light.

So I loved blind.

I’ll never reach out again.

When I looked down at my hands, they were bleeding.

Because I loved too much.

I don’t need a crutch or someone to save me.

I am a loner, with the heart of a child, in this world of anger and emotional chaos, people who push and pull, I can’t fit in anymore.

Watch me fall.

I surrender to it all.

I got some words, and a heartbeat.

I am a loner, that’s all I need.

5 thoughts on “Loner (words)

  1. There was abuse when I was a child. There was deep betrayal and violent assaults. It came from men. It came from women. It came from relatives. Trust? Love?

    When I first discovered Eastern religions I dove head-long into a dangerous, extremist sect that told me I deserved what I received; that to love anyone is foolish because love keeps you tied down to this horrible creation—and our job was to get the hell out as fast as possible. This sect told me I will never be free on this earth; it told me to keep myself detached from those closest to me—because they were my worst enemies—for they have the hidden, ulterior motive of keeping me locked in this prison of a body.

    And I loved that religion. I hid in that religion.

    I hid in addictions.
    I hid in my head.
    I hid in yours.
    I hid in obsession after obsession.

    And I vowed never to trust anyone again. Everyone had ulterior motives.

    But the soul is wise, and the soul is powerful like an ocean. So when I hid, I hid because I needed to protect the child. There were Herod’s everywhere. And while, at the time, it was wisdom, it was love, it was the best I could do—my soul is a restless soul and deep down in its fathomless depths it craved community. Isolation is key—all seeds grow alone—But once the tree spreads its great branches into the welcoming sky—it can no longer be alone. Too many children will play in its boughs. Too many birds will alight in its open hands and make nests in its verdant green hair. Too many dreamers will sit beneath its shade. Too many cicadas will suckle its roots. Too many poets will be inspired by the way it waves in the wind.

    And so my soul keeping those tenderest parts safe, was wise.
    But the day came when the soul said: “It is enough. You have had your alone—seedling-time. The sky is waiting. To truly teach your three sons to love, to truly love your wife, to truly help the people you mentor, to truly become a human being, a child of God, you will need to rise again and step out into the world. You will need to learn the art of boundaries. You will need to learn the art of “No.” You will need to learn to love those around you—the gifts given to you. You will need to learn how to protect your heart. You will need to learn to love your body and how to keep it safe. You will need to slowly, gradually, open your heart again.”

    And so I have. And that, dear Reine, is my prayer for the Loner—real or fictionalized. Honor the wounds by retreeting and then by ressurrecting.

    And in the process of my reawakening to love–I broke all ties with that old religion. Love, joy, creativity, sharing, singing, writing, drawing, dancing—these are my religions today.

    Peace and thank you for sharing.

    • I have never had an addiction, I belong to no religion, I have forgiven who abused me and we are now close. I actually had the opposite happen. I was/am this blissful woman, who was born with an open heart. I just wanted to love and help. Serve and create. To make a difference in some way to anyone in need. I never seen personalities, just the most immaculate hearts walking this earth. I would see the pain, the joy, this light inside many. I just wanted to meet another who was not scared to love deeply. I know the truth is, many wish this too. There are many who need to feel love on earth from another here.
      What hurts, when we feel trust that another allows you to love them deeply, then they just… like a light switch tell you one day, no thanks. Just like that.
      It is like getting to the light, and Spirit says to you, go away. I don’t need you. It was all a lie.
      You see, the poems, they teach me.
      I read and reread them over and over to understand.
      I ask for guidence and I listen.
      The poems are the guidence.
      I have this heart you see, and this soul, that trusts so deeply, that I just follow. I am having a hard time because I am between two places so to speak. I am not sure how to ‘live’ like everyone else does and yet ‘see’ and experience so much.
      I know I am strange to many. I know I love too much and just over and over shower people with love and light and devotions and compliments.
      I never mean to hurt or push anyone away.
      For the love of God, I am this simple woman, who never asked anyone for anything, nor would I ever. I just write poems, and pray. I love my children and my little students.
      I never EVER take for granted anything Spirit has given me.
      Each lesson, each moment and breath.
      I am not sure what exactly has happend the last few years of life, please forgive me for this, but to be honest, it felt like, if one could imagine I know you can; like a dream.
      Like, I stepped into utter chaos.
      Somehow though, this light… it taught me the whole way through.
      It showed me how to live without fear.
      It taught me the darkness, is Spirit in me, unfolding the light.
      I am going to finish this all in a blog.

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