Who Am I

It has been sometime since I wrote an actual blog and not just poetry. I have told my ‘story’ of how I got to where I am at before in another blog, but so much happens to me so fast, it has all changed. Life is like that. Sometimes it is hard to keep up with it all. Before you have a chance to get used to a change, it already moves to the next one.

Some days a deep breath and trust gets you right through it; some days it feels like a storm and knocks me on my backside and I cry. Either way, it’s change.

This will be a random all over the place blog, as I am just going to free flow. From heart and mind to blog.

in 2008, I started my life over. I was married for 15 years and the fella left. This is old hat now, but I am sharing as some who read might not know this bit.

My ex found his soul mate and after years of on and off fighting we called it quits. I was a at home mom and had not worked in a long time seriously. Did some music stuff here and there, but not ‘work’.

I had been hit by a car in 2002 and had some injuries to my spine, so I was at this time working through some surgery I had to walk again. I was in and out of a wheelchair. Because of this, when my ex left, he could have left in a nicer way… but he left me on my own, 3 kids. I became homeless. I was in a shelter for over a year. At first I slept at my parents and then in my car a bit before the shelter. Yes, I know the car was not a good choice, but we really had nowhere to go. I started taking all sorts of classes to better myself. I was blessed with a grant and got an education as a Medical Assistant, EKG tech and phlebotomy. At this time, I was taking care of 3 kids, going to school, looking for a place to live and healing my spine. It was the most profound experience. I learned so much. The blessing of showing me gratitude was beyond words. My eyes were opened to so much around me. I began to see the light in these people who were so broken and filled with fear. These little children who just needed hope and love. I seen, the face of Spirit over and over. I know, no doubts this was the greatest thing that EVER happened to me. Many nights my children and I did not have food. I would go to the soup kitchen or to my Mom’s and get them some. I had no pride for my kids. I slept on a tile floor, roach infested kitchen in the shelter. Many nights my little one woke up screaming, the roaches were all over her. Many nights someone broke into our room and my stuff was all over. I had taken many a shower when the toilet upstairs was over flowing and had run down the shower walls. I knew though that this would teach me that need, and desire are two different things.

Many who I thought were ‘friends’ turned their backs on me. They were shamed of me. I understand though, they had different lessons then me and did not know how to relate. I had a lot of letting go. Letting go is never easy, but I never ever let go in anger and always, always keep what each person brought into my life at the time, in my heart. All people we met are part of our journeys.

The real amazing part of this all, my kids. These kids have been through more in just a few years of life, then most adults in a lifetime. They looked to me to keep them safe, and love them. That was the hardest part, as I felt I let them down. It took so very long to be able to say to myself, I did my best.  I still at times feel like I let them down. But I know they love me. I know they are wise beyond their years and see the lessons. If there is one blessing bestowed onto me, that would take me forever to thank Spirit for, it is allowing me to be their Mom. These little children shine like no words will ever express.

It took a few surgeries to get my spine healed, but I was in no way going to be told I am in a wheelchair. I decided to walk and walk. Miles. It was painful and sometimes I fell in the street. Folks would just gawk at me. I would laugh and work my way back. After a few months, I was walking without much pain and got my balance. I graduated school with flying colors. After many let downs, I was blessed with a landlord willing to work with me and was able to rent a house. I knew the second I was here this little house was special. It had the most immaculate trees and I could hear the sea. That very day, I took the kids here, we fell in love.

I quite literally kissed the earth.  I fell to my knees and thanked Spirit every day, still do. God, I still feel the exact same way as the moment I came here. I wake each day to birds singing and the sun streaming in. My heart sings to Spirit thank you.

A week after I graduated class, I did some work a internship in the ER of the hospital, but the hours were not good with 3 kids. I could not work overnight or 13 hour shifts, so I had to go. I was sent to a work site by the department of labor, it was a preschool. I was running the office for them for about 7 months. Now mind you, all this time my children’s dad had seen them about 4 times. He just sort of became a ghost. I did not mind working in the office, it was fast paced and I did well. But I knew I could give more. I learned so much from everything and wanted to help others. I began to pray and ask to be of service. Long before I knew it, the children began to open up to me. I was helping out here and there in the classes. These little angels had some serious life struggles as well. Many of the families where homeless and some of the parents were ill, from other countries trying to make their way, the children had severe learning challenges. I fell in love with them. I was asked if I would join the team for good.  ME! A teacher? I had just went to school for something utterly different. But I knew this was to be. Many things I was shown brought me there. It was a divine gift. I began to find the most immaculate truth in the children. I began to see the hope again in the eyes of the innocent. I was of service. I had the experience to guide the families because I knew what it was like to be there. They trust me. They open up and allow me to give them love and support. The children, bless. Truly, they are th divine teachers of all. I love with all my heart what I do.

in Feb of this year, I got a call my ex was in a fire and jumped from a 3 story building.  He was on life support. Shattered his spine, lungs collapsed and his his legs were broken in pieces. How do I tell my children? How can I? It has been a slow recovery for him, he is in a nursing home as of today, still trying to heal. I pray for him always and take the kids to see him as much as I can. We are close friends now. We are wonderful parents as friends. I also love his wonderful girlfriend who has stood buy his side through this all. Both of them shine together like the sun.

Fast forward. June 9th, I am sitting in my chair feeling pain, thought it was maybe heartburn or pulled muscle. Went away,I went to bed. Next day went to my Mom’s and was sitting at the table, pain comes back. Was going down my arm, into my neck. In my chest. I began to sweat and shake. I knew, not good. I was having a heart attack. At this time, I must admit, I had been going through some serious heartbreak. The hardest I ever known. I been through some heavy times. I had lost a baby, hit by a car, lost my ex, been homeless, in a wheelchair, but it did not hit me like this. Strange to some maybe that the other stuff did not break me. But, somehow, through the rest, I had no fear. I just knew it would be ok. I trusted. This time though, the heartbreak was way too much to bare. Because what had been my hope through a lot of this, my angel so to speak, seemed to push me away.

I also was dealing with my eldest child going through some anger and rightly so. She been through so much. I was also at this time driving back and forth to my EX to help him get sorted (he is miles and miles away) working, had a little fall and sorta tore my knee and needed surgery I could not afford. Somehow, bills piled up and I was being sent notes I was going to lose my home. I let it get to me this time. My heart could just not take it. I wound up with angioplasty and now some meds. It was all so fast. Like a dream. Like I was watching it happen to me. Not a part of it though.

Something changed. I came home and it felt like…. a emotional rollercoaster. I wanted to be loved more then ever. I felt like… life flashed before my eyes and I wanted to be loved and needed. It felt strange. Like in the hospital a surge of love, I felt prayers and light. When I got home… I felt alone. Deeply alone. I could not connect in my heart anymore. Everyone kept telling me, take care of yourself. I thought I was all along!

As I said, this blog is random, I have left out much. There is too much to even try to put into words. But this is where I am at now.

I feel profound love, but alone. I keep having those I trust walk away.  Every fear that should have broke me, did not. I seen the lesson. But right now, I am in a space I never was in before. I thought the more love I give, the more I’d feel. But it just makes folks run away. I cry every night and it feels like Spirit lied to me, like all the visions and angels lead me to someone/someplace that was not real. I made a fool of myself and just surrendered.

I am not sure what happend when I got home after the heart attack. I felt alone. I wanted to feel loved more then ever. I felt love, deep love and wanted to give and give. I thought if I give more then ever, it would break this and I would feel loved and needed. I wanted to be Reine again. The Reine that seen the lessons and needed no one. The Reine who could take it all and shine.

I somehow, lost her. I am losing all those I love. I been through so much and came so far, but this time, this… it got me. The one thing, got me.

I am sharing this because I have no fear of what others think. I know all ahve had somne life alttering experiences and will relate. I know some do fear and never can open up, but they need to know they will make it. They need support and hope. So I will share my story and suck it up if some don’t get my openness, because I know, it might help at least one, and to me, THAT one is the same worth as Spirit.

Right now, I am just going to be open and listen. Cry if need be and love in my heart quietly.  I may lose many I love, but I know when this life is over, they will see me for what I am. They will understand and so will I.

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7 thoughts on “Who Am I

  1. Hi Reine – I think you’re poetry is beautiful and so heart felt. And you’re story shows an amazing resilience. I read your 2 poems this morning and wanted to tell you that they were very very moving and so honest – and honesty is the most amazing sound. I also wanted to tell you that you are not alone – ultimately the most perfected love, even when we are sure it can’t be true – is right here with us all the time. But it’s a real love from a real being not something intangible, I’m afraid to call this being – God because that word is so misused but this is exactly what I mean – God exists, is a real being and all our answers are with Him/Her. I’m very wary that I’ll seem preachy, but my intention is to speak as a brother lovingly to a sister from my own personal experience, and it is for that reason that I wanted to tell you this.

    In this sense the most liberating thing for me to do was to feel my pain, all those emotions I’ve bundled up and hidden even from myself, experiencing them as much as I’m willing – screaming, getting angry, crying, weeping – taking off my brave face, knowing that all my defences, all the things I cover because I feel I can never reveal that little boy in me curled up and frightened by the world that is so large and formidable – all these barriers are less than even a smokescreen to God. And you, I and everyone else is loved so fully – no matter what barriers we put in the way, a love similar to when we as parents embrace our children a hold them close at night in our arms – that love is even so much more perfected, complete and uncompromising and is with us always from God, even when we don’t allow ourselves to feel it.

    As I said I wanted to tell you this as a message from a brother and I want you to know I really appreciate you’re gift that you share and I really hope you may find something in my awkward words.

  2. Gudday Reine,

    Thank you for your vulnerability. Something in what you wrote resonated with the pain that lives in me and I cried. I’m learning that to be vulnerable is to start to see who I really am. As I open up, those around me are starting to see the real me. This opening up is not just my words, but a willingness to allow others and myself to see and feel who it is that resides behind the facade I have worn for my 47 years.

    Like David who posted above, I’m sometimes reluctant to use the name ‘God’ because of preconceptions and prejudices. But when I’m in my fear or grief I ask with my heart for God my parents to be with me while I feel this. Often this takes me further into it. This is what I want, to dive into this mishmash of pain, fear and darkness so I can work through it, release it and heal myself, and, the wounded little boy who lives (no, exists, he does not know LIFE, nor do I) inside me.

    I used to think I had a good childhood, but where were the truly happy joyful memories? There weren’t any. I now realise that the lonelines and emptiness that has been there since I was tiny, was still there even during the 19 loving years that I had with my wife. The difficult life circumstances of the past 2 years I now know to be a reflection of my boyhood hurts and as difficult as it has been, a wonderful opportunity to heal and put me on the path to discovering the real me and – yes that name again – God. I am slowly starting to feel and trust God the person/Mother/Father acting on me and in me. I don’t say this in a pious or religious way – I have turned my back on these ways – but as a personal awakening.

    Like David, I feel for you as a brother to a sister. Keep opening up, in doing so we can let the rubbish out and make room for Love, real Love inside us.

    Go well,

    Dave http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001457705601

    • Dave, bless, you opened my heart. All you have shared moves me deeply. My gratitude is deep for this dear heart. Your journey is powerful and you have such compassion thorugh it. That is inspiring to me to see this. I am healing one day at a time. I know these lessons are strong, but I also know this is why I am here. I know, no doubts I will heal this, in my way and trusting in Spirit. The truest test is when we cannot see the why something happens, but we trust and move through it, staying open to learn and in heart.
      all my love and ligt to you kind man.

  3. Feeling all of your emotions is the key to releasing them .. it is these emotions which cause your pain (physical & otherwise) . God is everpresent in all of our lives .. it is we who block God … you must seek God with a passion … a burning desire .. 7 never stop . Then you will experience God more & more … but you must be willing to look at all the emotions you contain & face the truth of them …

    Would love to chat more with you … i am here if you like : https://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1099510857

    Peace n Love
    Enrique

    • Enrique, from my heart, thank you for the deep kindness you have shown me. Your light shines, and yes, it is truth, Spirit is always there, even when we disconnect. Love and light to you!

  4. Hello Dear Sister

    your story is profound, my dear brothers who have responded are so right, i am also going through a healing journey with the desire to get closer to God and to love unconditionally. each time i sicerely pray to God to hold me through the pain of my childhood grief which governs my life, God is always there for me.

    it is the willingness to feel the causal pain of childhood trauma, that connects me to God the most. every single time you have felt unloved as this little soul, you have taken on the pain and braved it. but it is coming back into your life to show you that you must heal it, feel it, release it and let it go. Let Go and let God.

    you my dear sister have sacrificed your own soul to help those in need, but unless you love yourself fully, how can you truly love others? this is what i am realising each day, the self blame, guilt and self punishment that i was taught to feel as a little girl keep me in the dark. so i pray for God to teach me how to love me and She gently takes me through my pain and when it is released the love i feel from God is so overwhelming i begin to love myself, to see that i am truly the child of God and the only love that will make me whole is God’s love.

    love is a gift and when we truly love we do not expect love in return form others, i am learning how to love without the demand from others to love me. and each time i give love and no love is returned, i realise that my intentions are not pure and my love not yet a true, unconditional love. and then see that there is yet a lot of pain to release caused by the lack of love in my childhood.

    i pray that you allow yourself to grieve fully the painful truth of your own childhood, relese that pain to God and you will create joy as a result, that you seek so much. it is your unreleased chodhood pain that keeps you from experiencing love form others and true joy of life. it is a painful journey to see the truth of how we have been treated as children but your heart is aching and breaking because you toughted it out, you have not been allowed to grieve the pain of that little girl inside of you. and now you can, now she can tell God how much it hurt when no one really loved her

    with love to you my sister,

    Sandra

    ps please do not hesistate to contact me. ihave written a free book about this called Fruitful Nutrition in God’s Garden of Love http://fruitfulnutrition.com and my blog is http://sandra-tuszynska.blogspot.com

    • Sandra, dear heart you shine. From all I am my gratitude for the kindness you have shown me to share your story with me. I have learned no one in NOW can love me to drown out the pain I never really let go of I now see. I been a burden to many as of late because what I thought was healed, was just burried deep inside. I am working on being more honest with myself. Giving myself love and not looking for others to fill that void. I was in survival mode for so long now, this point in my life, when I am beginning to feel safe; it’s all pouring out. If that makes sense?
      I am deeply grateful for the link and am looking forward to reading. All my love and gratitidue to you.

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