I sat still, awaiting what to do;
Begging angles to guide you through.
Trying to find the right words, trying to touch the right space;
Praying for just a moment of clarity, you would see.
Where I am, if you could reach, all of these lessons fit perfectly.
The most profound pain, the unbearable savage of actions;
The lost breath, the shallow heartbeat; as you broke into pieces and lay down from your knees.
I see beauty. I see light, I see the child inside the eyes.
I see yesterday burn, I see you screaming and asking why must it hurt?
I see a promise, I see the crush, I see all you believed and how deep you trust.
I see you searching for that woman you knew, how could she change so quickly with you?
I see in the desperate attempt to break through, you reminded her of all the times that were good.
I see the will to live leave your heart, I see the shattered man want to die.
But in the waves of turmoil and strife, I see beyond your mind.
I see purpose, I see creation, I see light and love’s transformation.
I see a life letting go, of all the expectations and sensations we try to own.
Your children’s reflection unfold in your hands, your moments won’t define the man.
What now seems impossible, is divine intervention;
what is taken, is replaced with Heaven.
Know soft soul, in the darkest hour;
All you are, has come to flower.
Find a stream of sunbeam on the wall, find a song that grabs hold on the radio.
Find a few notes to strum on the guitar, find the twinkle of a far off star.
Find an old photo and hang it on the wall, of a little boy with an honest smile.
Let the tears flow. Let the emotions go, let the suffering and sorrow show;
You came so far, climbed the ladder, lived into tomorrow.
This is your construction, your re-design, your invocation, your inspiration, your experience of life.
Take responsibility and shine.
You are not alone, take my hand one more time.
From Life Circles To Life In The Light
We have been living life in a way we have been flowing in circles. We have become aware of reaching certain points of the circle where we have learned to observe and make any changes needed or flow through it as needed. We have now come to a point of awareness and being that is awake that for many of us here, circles of being are no longer serving us.
Observe light, we ARE light. We come from the light. Knowing this, we know that light expands and is not a circle, but an ever reaching and expanding space.
When we move from this state of being where we live in circles, we then move into a space of light; where we are now expanding and reaching beyond just lessons or repetitive life ‘being’.
Though life is experience and always moving, we are now in a space of existing where we are conscious and connected to Source and aware we ARE ONE.
There is nothing to ‘do’ to move from living life as a circle and now in the light; it just IS. Simply expanding and allowing all we are to shine as the light we are, begins to transform us into the space of light. As we shift, so is our being. These circles of life are no longer WHAt we are. They are no longer needed to observe to ‘be’. I ask you to ask your heart this now; if I AM LIGHT, am I also expanding, reaching and illuminating? Then also is my existence doing the same? Do I need to live in a circle to expand in consciousness? What do the circles of life continue to serve as in this state of light and consciousness? Release this circle and move into the light of all we ARE.
How We Use Silence
Silence it was said, is golden. there is truth in this when we are dealing with self.
When we are silent with others who we have upset or hurt, this silence becomes a self-preservation, an act of ego. When we move into silence so we may observe or allow truth to reveal, this is a Mastery. When we use silence to not be ‘held to’ or ‘captured in’ a situation we do not want to be held accountable for; this is not any Mastery. Silence is a space of allowance and observation; not a space we can move into that gives us freedom. Silence used as manipulation to save ones self from others ideas of us or our actions is not Mastery. Silence is not stillness. In Stillness; we are directly connected to Source. IT just IS. Silence is the observation of what IS NOT. For we must observe to know the space of silence. We must be aware of the space we are in to become silent. We do not become still, we ARE stillness. When we stop using silence as an answer or to avoid, we can then understand how silence allows beauty, healing, trust and love through. Being silent with another in the space of love allows love to flow. Being silent with another in the space of fear, anger, guilt, or avoidance creates ripples upon ripples of this that affect all.
We are asked to be mindful, this is also in how we are silent. Golden silence is a space of love and peace, all other silence is removing love and replacing it with a ‘why’ you are silent. Always take into consideration if your silence is hurting other/s. Love has no intention other than unconditional, so give no conditions to love and never use silence ON others, may silence always connect you to I AM THAT I AM.
Love and light to all.
Truth
Solitude
Sit in the warmth of this place;
Here is solitude.
A gift of sacred space, where you can jut be.
Come close your eyes and breathe.
In the tall grass and gentle breeze;
Here is simplicity.
Born is a moment; quiet is the mind, bright is the light.
What was once a reaching tree to the sky;
Is now an invitation to release.
As you sit in tranquility – you are the tree child.
Your dreams the trunk, your wild abandon the branches, your memories the leaves.
Dance in Spirit with the wind.
Your truth, the roots that drink so deeply.
Grow and flourish under the call of spring;
Let go and renew in the autumn’s retreat.
In summer – thrive and be all that is alive.
In winter, resonate healing and peace.
Here you are beauty.
Come and know this solitude;
It all begins with you.
Sleep
Make love to me as I sleep;
Reach me in the dream.
Kiss me between each heartbeat and breath;
We become fluidity.
In the hollow of my spine, let your fingers trace,
Solar flares as chills appear, and flush across my face.
As you move with me, the velvet sky falls;
As we blend and reach beyond, our union in fire calls.
In the center pulses, a indigo spinning star;
As you take me through this space, our love will make us one.
Touch me till I wither, taste me as I drip,
Explore me as I whisper your name;
Entwined we are in Spirit.
In your eyes I feel beauty,
In your hands I know energy,
In your lips I experience enternity,
In our release we are infinite.
Freedom
As wind, I am freedom.
I am clarity, beauty and peace.
As wind, I am life;
I fill the deepest moments on the faces of children.
I am movement, endless, wild and wonderous.
As wind, I am element.
I feed the fire, I lift the wings of nature.
As wind, I am swept and majestic.
I am the living experience of trust, that what is not seen, encases us.
As the wind, I am the Master of the atmosphere.
Within me, you are consciousness.
Many Moons And Suns
Many moons and many suns, came to pass as the change begun.
In the canyons the wild cries, heard from the land and rained from the skies.
Sacred earth her horizon shifts, her rivers rise and her people listen.
We are children, the Elders are teaching;
In the trees, the creatures and air we breathe – lessons.
Sit with Creation, sit as Nature, what we become, we can feel,
Is the space we have the light to heal – it all.
Chant your blessings, there is fire in your eyes;
Be one in stillness, kiss the skies.
Gather in thanks, move close to peace;
In your heart, the answers reach.
Share your wisdom, open your hands;
Take responsibility for our lands.
Help each other to understand, this is our chance;
To re-create man.
Please
Please, I ask for understanding;
My love is for everybody.
Please, I ask for compassion;
To be of service is my calling.
Please, I ask for patience;
So many are in need.
Please, I ask for no judgement;
My light shines for all to see.
Please, I ask for space;
My Spirit is flying free.
Please; I ask for stillness;
Here is my sacred solitude;
Please know I ask of this, in deepest gratitude.
Please, I ask, will you listen;
With an open heart;
For in that space we are all connected,
Soaring in the stars.
Please, I ask all divine creation, through the deepest blue,
To kiss your soul and guide you whole;
to reveal the truth to you.
Ask (It IS Yours)
Ask of me, it will be yours.
If in my reach, it shall be done.
If it seems impossible, I will create a miracle.
I cherish thee, as the light of the sun.
Ask of me, I will give with my heart.
If it does not reach, I will call on the stars.
I love thee, as the peace of the sea.
Ask of me, I will serve with light.
If the darkness falls, I will call angels to guide.
I see thee, as the siren of creation, from all I am;
from infinite truth, from the beautiful blue, my prayers of Heaven, I give to you.
Feel
Don’t hide your eyes and cry soft one,
This is how you feel;
They do not grasp to say I am sorry,
To help the hurt to heal.
Cover up or ignore their actions, this is how some survive,
To them saying sorry is admitting they hurt you, they can’t see this with their eyes.
Waves of sorrow fills your heart, as you try to understand;
Why would someone get your hopes up – to leave you hardly standing?
Fear.
Fear of losing all they have,
Fear of change;
Fear of starting over again,
Fear of feeling pain.
Fear is what makes some burn the trust – or choose to run away.
Still you pray.
In the hours of early morn, we hear your song of love.
In the sentient night, we hear your light shine.
In the stillness of Nature, we hear you asking for answers.
Some are stuck in a pattern, one they cannot shatter, a simple matter – yet they sit in the center of repeat.
This is part of the journey, this is why we reach.
Shift from belief, know the energy.
In the beautiful poems, the deep devotion, the sacred intention,
You ask for intervention, for mercy.
Once again we tried, once again we whispered and guided, but free will is blinding and must be honored.
We cannot interfere, with how some shut out what they hear.
Dear one, we know why you cry, allow the waters of life.
Lest no man judge, lest no man give false union.
What lay in the center of your heart, shines like a star.
We will guide the rest of your healing, keep feeling;
Trust all you are.
Brought here in love,
This will carry you home.
Sit With Me
Please
Circles OF Light
Eternal are they, beings of light
They reach from beyond, as one.
They are eons of elders, they are us resonating.
They bring love and teach, their presence is peace always.
In the spheres of illumination, there is perfection,
We need to listen to the messages and lessons.
Many worlds dilate wide, they ask we open our minds and see;
There is a universe reaching.
Some sound a siren of sacred tones, they raise our vibrations to guide us home.
In their hum, are prisms of light,
Creating a symphony of immaculate shine.
Just beyond ether, just beyond sight, are billions of orbs kissing our hearts.
Levels open, energy shifts, the portals are open to the multiverse.
Welcome their collective, hear and be still;
Ascension is calling, may we all walk through.
Heal (A Prayer)
In the truest moment of a life,
A heart opens wide.
From the most sincere space,
If you could only see, the immaculate love pour over thee.
Know in your strife, in this pain and fear;
Your apology is heard so clear.
What you believe to be punishment, is mercy to heal.
It is seen, your agony, what you have come through in this confusing dream.
Nightmares of fire, engulfed in the flames, the fall from your calling, your wounds that remain.
In this very moment, as you beg and call, there are angels and prayers encasing your soul.
Take a deep breath, hold still;
We know this will take, all of your will.
The tears you cry are waters of life, releasing each memory, one at a time.
You are forgiven, you came here to learn, the path you have taken, will help you return.
It is known, you cannot see, through the confusion and chaos causing misery.
Be still Frankie.
Close your eyes, drift to sleep, inside this space, the light can reach.
For every wound across your life, there is grace;
Making it right.
Choices made now, are from understanding;
What broke you in pieces, is now mending.
What tore flesh, what cracked bone, is divine blessing, to bring you home.
You are not alone.
So on your knees, this weary night;
Know you are healing, one breath at a time.
Bless you always in love and light
The Forest
Sit still child, allow the silence to envelope thee.
Here you shall find each breath becomes fluidity.
In this space, Nature’s grace teaches deeply.
Come softly into the forest children, lay beneath the healing trees.
Set down your woe, your fear and complexity;
Allow the energy to reach;
In the solace of the roots and earth, life begins to speak.
All you are reveals in creation, all you ask becomes revelation.
Silence is meditation for Spirit.
Follow the whispers to the sky, the wind dances and falls;
In the leaves you will see, the light that shines in us all.
The Elders teach in the woodland, a gift to remind us of home;
Go with reverence and love in the forest;
Leave this space in gratitude.
Journey Of The Seahorses
In a deep dream, across the nocturnal sea;
An echo reached a seahorse sleeping.
Come dance with me, as stars in a stream;
A million mysteries in this galaxy.
Returning home, then back to the sea;
They swim in two worlds, endlessly.
A gentle creature, his love is grace;
The Echo in stillness, resonates.
Bring peace and serenity, through eternity;
All who need, will experience the tranquility.
Embraced on a journey, allowing the flow,
This is the story, of the seahorse and echo.
Burning Flame
As this heart falls asleep, I hear a calling across a sea,
As I wake, I hear another break.
As I sit under the tree, I hear the winds whisper to me
As stillness seeps, I experience his Spirit dance with me.
As I watch the sun set, I feel his melody across my breath
As the stars collide, his prayers open my soul wide.
As he paints the mountain range, I see the stories forming.
He is the other half of me,
Flames entwined for eternity.
As my heart gave way, his light healed that space;
As my tears began to fall, his love called
He caught my fall.
When he walked away, my world became blank
But my heart stayed true;
Even when I asked it not to.
When he broke in two, my whole being wanted to pull him through.
Life is such a gift to cherish,
To join the flames, is to help humanity;
To become harmony, to heal, feel, create and shine the light.
Heaven bought us to meet in this life, let us bond our eyes,
Let us hold hands, walk across th sands,
Make love at night.
Let no more days go by, we are not side by side.
Come home again.
Love Is Not a Game
Love is not a game, it’s not a maybe or will see.
Love is not a fleeting emotion, dancing in the breeze.
Love is not confusion, love is not pain;
Love is not some promise in the moment,
Love will never be shame.
Love does not have fear, love does not despair;
Love is not some vague expression, leaving you in tears.
Love is not desperate, love is not secret,
Love is not eternal, untill you truly mean it.
Love is a sacred gift, that always will inspire;
Love is a heart of depth, raging with a fire.
Love is beauty revealed, love is always trust,
Love is a truth so perfectly seen, it creates miracles.
Love is what we are, love is how we came,
So before you say I love you,
Understand your own love meaning.
She Left
Who are you calling across the barrier?
She has left, turned to morphing matter.
Who do you wait for, in the darkest night?
Look to the Arcturians, to see her light.
Life is simplicity, when we clearly see
A moment is fragments of eternity.
Smile at the stars, she is finally free.
Geometric Intonation
The universal protractor is designing;
A orbital realigning
A sound beams across the cosmic train,
A geometric intonation plays.
The Holy Grails wake.
Each octave is DNA,
Each note is a frequency.
Within humanity is the Ionic waves,
Spreading across the galaxy.
Resonant tones change the energy,
Light is a pattern of infinity.
Chromosomes infuse with interstellar crystalline hues,
Here is the key, to immortality.
Your symphony of divinity.
We are multidimensional harmony,
Watch the sky,
We are coming.
Ripples
I am the ripples across the sea;
I am felt in everybody.
I am intention, emotion, devotion.
I am the stillness, the sanctuary.
On the surface, I glisten, as the solar kiss of spirit dances on my being.
Beneath, I am peaceful, as my water runs deep.
Along my shoreline, are stones, they are echoes of lives.
I step with compassion, and hold each with light.
I am the horizon that infuses the mind.
I am the moment of healing sublime.
Here are the sands, each grain a life,
Together in creation we’re the infinit shorline.
I am Heaven,
I am home,
I AM THAT I AM;
I always was.
It has come, in this space reveals;
Welcome children, the new dawn is here.
Flourish
Soft rain gathers upon my lips,
A smile forms deeply.
A warm kiss gathers in my mind.
Who will pull me that close, who will whisper love?
I have so very much to give, Spirit knows this.
I would shine like the universe, to know I was worth such a moment.
I have swam the deepest pains, now it’s time for peace in the rain.
Even if for a short time, I beg all creation, please let me share my life.
I trust with all my existence, I promise to cherish and lift him,
I will rise in the morning light, with the stars in my eyes
I will flourish across the skies.
I beg, in the deepest prayer,
One last time, to bring him near.
I Am Sorry (She IS The rain) A prayer.
A heart called across the world, in need of light and love;
I tried with all the prayers and compassion to reach inside their heart.
Instead, I tore them apart.
In the darkest hours, tears began to fall;
Angels surrounded his life with love.
A hundred wings covered his soul.
WE won’t let go.
Please, beautiful Spirit you need to know, how your life glows.
As you said my name, it brought the rain.
You called for change.
In the mercy of a million years, we came to break your fears.
The pain you feel, is guiding you to heal.
Here I kneel, before the thrones of Heaven,
On behalf of Creation;
How I wish I could show you the salvation.
The light encased your being,
Shine immaculate Leslie.
A soft and gentle man, who stood in the pouring waters,
The floods rise and wash clean;
So you can be free.
Look in the mirror of infinity – see;
All your beauty.
You are the Eagle,
Fly like the winds.
Sonic Souls
In between heartbeat and breath,
There are seven tones of resonance.
A siren spins, prisms of heaven.
Each dimension exists, in the sonic halos of intonation;
A million points of light gathering, in the center of our being.
Sing!
The Universe rings, there is a perfect melody;
Break through the borders with fluidity,
Illuminating and transcending, infinite harmony of peace.
In the solar pulsing, we reach;
In the stillness we teach,
we were the dreamers, we are now awake.
Moments created, imprint and fade into the stream;
There is a river of creation, flowing over humanity.
Capture the beauty, in simplicity;
Shift the energy, the perfect polarity of love shines;
We are the ancients, eons of light.
In your eyes, we are the stars,
In your world, we are the doors;
A symphony in the sunrise,
A sonata in the moonlight,
A masterpiece on the shore.
The music is the axis,
Where sonic love is born.
AM
I am change;
Call me by name.
I am the rain,
To clear the pain.
You asked in the darkest hours, for clarity;
Can you see?
The break in the perception,
The wake of the heart from the dream.
There is no concept or safe space,
To heal, all fear must erase.
Brought to the surface of your life,
All the wrongs to make right.
Your soul calls across the divide,
We hear your tears in the light.
What is shattered is new,
Trust the reconstruction of you.
What no longer serves, must now go.
You no longer need all the stones.
The mind became rattled and weak,
You asked for the answers you seek.
Know in the falling, your truth is calling.
Stop spinning in the circle of life,
Standing beside is your guide;
You know the way home,
You let your emotions overload.
You let others try to change who you are;
We see you gentle heart, as the star.
Your purpose is pure of intention,
Her love is divine intervention.
Listen, the echo is true;
Waiting, for you to come through.
A Thousand Suns (Art By CK Freeberg)
This has been a very deep honor for me to have such a gifted Artist give my words life. She has blessed me with a gift of her immaculate interpretation in this piece. You can see more of her work and contact her via twitter as @kscutiepie as well as her E-mail at ckfreeberg@gmail.com
The Harbour
Grey skies hover as a homage to indirect mysteries.
The ripples covet the wood they caress.
Side by side, the ships wait.
Only the winds brood and sway across their bows.
The rains swept their decks of yesterdays journeys.
Idle and silent they stand against the thrashing of the high seas.
They wait out the tides of uncertainty,
On the horizon is the calling lands.
Wayward in the subtle dream, the immortal compass is vivid;
Side by side the ships shall anchor, until the storms have passed.
Praying Heart (For the Eagle’s Wings)
Dear heart pray,
The love you know now,
Is here to stay.
Quiet your racing mind,
Hush the need to know the end of life.
Still your rushing thoughts, you are not your mind.
Walking right beside, the wolf, the eagle and the Spirit light.
Let Angels hold your heart.
Allow the feeling to wash over your eyes.
From the center of creation, a deep meditation starts.
In your soul shines a star, it reaches far.
Breathe deep dear man, remember how you came so far.
The space of Heaven is all you are.
As you once walked through the gate,
Life was your hands of fate, greeting you in the mist
The promise.
Find this again.
Know the kind hands lifting you, are holding true.
You cannot go back to sleep, for once the kiss of trust comes to thee,
You begin your journey, again.
Allow the healing in.
You called across the sky, as your Spirit flies;
Stood at the quay of the great divide, was the beacon of light.
Warm and divine.
Now as you wake, unfolding in your empty space;
Glory.
Never shall you bleed again, when you open from within.
Let the rain pour down your soul,
This will make you whole, hold you close, keep the flame from going cold.
Pray.
Kneel in grass,
Lay on the earth,
Know all you are worth.
Sit by the river’s bend, run again dear friend,
For in your heart is the great winds.
Take to the mountains, soar!
The love you are searching for, never left.
In the deepest breath, beyond belief, is peace.
Creation is meeting you on the cusp of all the tears you weep.
Trust why you came to be.
Know, without a doubt, love is everything.
SHINE your beauty, for ALL to see.
The Energy Of The Magnetic Sky
The sky thrusted in sacred majesty,
The horizon became magnetic energy,
Where I stand is the sublime polarity,
The symphony of eternity, poured over me.
Beneath my feet was alive, above my head thrived.
Illuminated magma shot across the sky.
I bow in deep peace.
I breathe in the light.
Heaven and earth blended, right before my eyes.
I knelt at the borders of infinite love,
Child, lay down your sentient mind,
Here you are the Chela of invocation,
In your heart beat shines the divine.
A Moment Of Anger
A rush of adrenalin pulsing,
Words trigger emotion,
Love and devotion, twisted by confusion,
Why as humans, do we thrive on reactions
Is there really satisfaction,
When we break someone down?
Life has a sound, it comes from all around,
A quiet melody, it whispers like a dream.
Not always what it seems, we can misunderstand
Look at the reaching hand, directly.
What do you see, is it you, or is it me?
What makes you think, is what makes you believe.
What you know, is what makes you free.
Shift the paradigm, start from within.
Question the motivation, don’t just act on sensations,
There is more we cannot see.
What is in you, comes out through me.
I am a reflection of your dream.
What makes us run and hide, what fills us up with pride
What over loads the mind, thinking all the time.
Trying to erase, a moment or a face,
But can’t you see?
All this time, you are looking in through me.
All of what you found, all of what you feel,
All of these perceptions, where not just some ideal
They are the healing we reveal.
So when anger fuels a fire,
Let your soul just stop and see,
This is a gift to change you life,
Forgive and look within.
Blooming Heart
I am not sure what this flower is, but it was bloomed in my garden this morning. It is the most beautiful flower I have ever seen.
The most glorious gift to experience this morning. Mornings are sacred space, creation renewing us with breath and dawn.
Fragile petals unfold, delicate and silent
In the morning sun, no eyes lay upon it opening.
Nature whispers in benediction to Creation;
Wake and renew!
As I experience beauty of what IS,
I hear in the sunrise,
Let your true heart bloom.
The Eyes Of A Child
It was in these eyes, that truth spoke
It was in the smile, that brought me home
It was in the love you gave me, that saved me from myself
It was in that very moment, I know who I am
In these eyes, shined wonder
In these eyes, no fear
In that little heart, the world became clear
In these eyes, a reflection came through
So you took my hand and showed me who
Come play with me Mommy, don’t cry anymore
Come hug me and dance with me, you’re never alone
In these eyes, Spirit poured through
You are my glory, dear child I love you
The Still Heart Remembers
Beyond the clouds of fear and doubt, is the sun.
Beyond the illusion of time and seperation, there is light.
You are not lost child, you are healing.
The waves will come, some dark and deep.
Ride them, remember child, you swam the sea.
You are not your story, there is no glory in self pity.
No man on earth can give you what you need.
Your longing of love is for Thee.
Stop this seeking for approval, you are your own masterpiece.
Many tried to get through, but in your need, you cannot see.
Already perfected the star of the sea.
Return to where it started, open hearted, you must know,
Not believe.
Be still heart, just be where you are.
What is meant to be, is not always what seems,
It is time for you to see your own light.
Who Am I
It has been sometime since I wrote an actual blog and not just poetry. I have told my ‘story’ of how I got to where I am at before in another blog, but so much happens to me so fast, it has all changed. Life is like that. Sometimes it is hard to keep up with it all. Before you have a chance to get used to a change, it already moves to the next one.
Some days a deep breath and trust gets you right through it; some days it feels like a storm and knocks me on my backside and I cry. Either way, it’s change.
This will be a random all over the place blog, as I am just going to free flow. From heart and mind to blog.
in 2008, I started my life over. I was married for 15 years and the fella left. This is old hat now, but I am sharing as some who read might not know this bit.
My ex found his soul mate and after years of on and off fighting we called it quits. I was a at home mom and had not worked in a long time seriously. Did some music stuff here and there, but not ‘work’.
I had been hit by a car in 2002 and had some injuries to my spine, so I was at this time working through some surgery I had to walk again. I was in and out of a wheelchair. Because of this, when my ex left, he could have left in a nicer way… but he left me on my own, 3 kids. I became homeless. I was in a shelter for over a year. At first I slept at my parents and then in my car a bit before the shelter. Yes, I know the car was not a good choice, but we really had nowhere to go. I started taking all sorts of classes to better myself. I was blessed with a grant and got an education as a Medical Assistant, EKG tech and phlebotomy. At this time, I was taking care of 3 kids, going to school, looking for a place to live and healing my spine. It was the most profound experience. I learned so much. The blessing of showing me gratitude was beyond words. My eyes were opened to so much around me. I began to see the light in these people who were so broken and filled with fear. These little children who just needed hope and love. I seen, the face of Spirit over and over. I know, no doubts this was the greatest thing that EVER happened to me. Many nights my children and I did not have food. I would go to the soup kitchen or to my Mom’s and get them some. I had no pride for my kids. I slept on a tile floor, roach infested kitchen in the shelter. Many nights my little one woke up screaming, the roaches were all over her. Many nights someone broke into our room and my stuff was all over. I had taken many a shower when the toilet upstairs was over flowing and had run down the shower walls. I knew though that this would teach me that need, and desire are two different things.
Many who I thought were ‘friends’ turned their backs on me. They were shamed of me. I understand though, they had different lessons then me and did not know how to relate. I had a lot of letting go. Letting go is never easy, but I never ever let go in anger and always, always keep what each person brought into my life at the time, in my heart. All people we met are part of our journeys.
The real amazing part of this all, my kids. These kids have been through more in just a few years of life, then most adults in a lifetime. They looked to me to keep them safe, and love them. That was the hardest part, as I felt I let them down. It took so very long to be able to say to myself, I did my best. I still at times feel like I let them down. But I know they love me. I know they are wise beyond their years and see the lessons. If there is one blessing bestowed onto me, that would take me forever to thank Spirit for, it is allowing me to be their Mom. These little children shine like no words will ever express.
It took a few surgeries to get my spine healed, but I was in no way going to be told I am in a wheelchair. I decided to walk and walk. Miles. It was painful and sometimes I fell in the street. Folks would just gawk at me. I would laugh and work my way back. After a few months, I was walking without much pain and got my balance. I graduated school with flying colors. After many let downs, I was blessed with a landlord willing to work with me and was able to rent a house. I knew the second I was here this little house was special. It had the most immaculate trees and I could hear the sea. That very day, I took the kids here, we fell in love.
I quite literally kissed the earth. I fell to my knees and thanked Spirit every day, still do. God, I still feel the exact same way as the moment I came here. I wake each day to birds singing and the sun streaming in. My heart sings to Spirit thank you.
A week after I graduated class, I did some work a internship in the ER of the hospital, but the hours were not good with 3 kids. I could not work overnight or 13 hour shifts, so I had to go. I was sent to a work site by the department of labor, it was a preschool. I was running the office for them for about 7 months. Now mind you, all this time my children’s dad had seen them about 4 times. He just sort of became a ghost. I did not mind working in the office, it was fast paced and I did well. But I knew I could give more. I learned so much from everything and wanted to help others. I began to pray and ask to be of service. Long before I knew it, the children began to open up to me. I was helping out here and there in the classes. These little angels had some serious life struggles as well. Many of the families where homeless and some of the parents were ill, from other countries trying to make their way, the children had severe learning challenges. I fell in love with them. I was asked if I would join the team for good. ME! A teacher? I had just went to school for something utterly different. But I knew this was to be. Many things I was shown brought me there. It was a divine gift. I began to find the most immaculate truth in the children. I began to see the hope again in the eyes of the innocent. I was of service. I had the experience to guide the families because I knew what it was like to be there. They trust me. They open up and allow me to give them love and support. The children, bless. Truly, they are th divine teachers of all. I love with all my heart what I do.
in Feb of this year, I got a call my ex was in a fire and jumped from a 3 story building. He was on life support. Shattered his spine, lungs collapsed and his his legs were broken in pieces. How do I tell my children? How can I? It has been a slow recovery for him, he is in a nursing home as of today, still trying to heal. I pray for him always and take the kids to see him as much as I can. We are close friends now. We are wonderful parents as friends. I also love his wonderful girlfriend who has stood buy his side through this all. Both of them shine together like the sun.
Fast forward. June 9th, I am sitting in my chair feeling pain, thought it was maybe heartburn or pulled muscle. Went away,I went to bed. Next day went to my Mom’s and was sitting at the table, pain comes back. Was going down my arm, into my neck. In my chest. I began to sweat and shake. I knew, not good. I was having a heart attack. At this time, I must admit, I had been going through some serious heartbreak. The hardest I ever known. I been through some heavy times. I had lost a baby, hit by a car, lost my ex, been homeless, in a wheelchair, but it did not hit me like this. Strange to some maybe that the other stuff did not break me. But, somehow, through the rest, I had no fear. I just knew it would be ok. I trusted. This time though, the heartbreak was way too much to bare. Because what had been my hope through a lot of this, my angel so to speak, seemed to push me away.
I also was dealing with my eldest child going through some anger and rightly so. She been through so much. I was also at this time driving back and forth to my EX to help him get sorted (he is miles and miles away) working, had a little fall and sorta tore my knee and needed surgery I could not afford. Somehow, bills piled up and I was being sent notes I was going to lose my home. I let it get to me this time. My heart could just not take it. I wound up with angioplasty and now some meds. It was all so fast. Like a dream. Like I was watching it happen to me. Not a part of it though.
Something changed. I came home and it felt like…. a emotional rollercoaster. I wanted to be loved more then ever. I felt like… life flashed before my eyes and I wanted to be loved and needed. It felt strange. Like in the hospital a surge of love, I felt prayers and light. When I got home… I felt alone. Deeply alone. I could not connect in my heart anymore. Everyone kept telling me, take care of yourself. I thought I was all along!
As I said, this blog is random, I have left out much. There is too much to even try to put into words. But this is where I am at now.
I feel profound love, but alone. I keep having those I trust walk away. Every fear that should have broke me, did not. I seen the lesson. But right now, I am in a space I never was in before. I thought the more love I give, the more I’d feel. But it just makes folks run away. I cry every night and it feels like Spirit lied to me, like all the visions and angels lead me to someone/someplace that was not real. I made a fool of myself and just surrendered.
I am not sure what happend when I got home after the heart attack. I felt alone. I wanted to feel loved more then ever. I felt love, deep love and wanted to give and give. I thought if I give more then ever, it would break this and I would feel loved and needed. I wanted to be Reine again. The Reine that seen the lessons and needed no one. The Reine who could take it all and shine.
I somehow, lost her. I am losing all those I love. I been through so much and came so far, but this time, this… it got me. The one thing, got me.
I am sharing this because I have no fear of what others think. I know all ahve had somne life alttering experiences and will relate. I know some do fear and never can open up, but they need to know they will make it. They need support and hope. So I will share my story and suck it up if some don’t get my openness, because I know, it might help at least one, and to me, THAT one is the same worth as Spirit.
Right now, I am just going to be open and listen. Cry if need be and love in my heart quietly. I may lose many I love, but I know when this life is over, they will see me for what I am. They will understand and so will I.
Tracks
Life is transient
people are moments
smile when it hits you
cry when you need to
take it all in
then let it go.
It’s a long sunset
a wayward seagulls cry
a vague memory
a handful of sand
a shadow
a glistening of rain on the wind.
Life
it is change
it’s a moving train
we always seem to get to it
when it’s pulling away
so we just stand
and wave
as it leaves.
so tip your hat
take a deep breath
put down the bags we carry
toss the ticket into the wind
walk along the tracks
find your soul again.
There is a road
no one really knows where it ends
it’s a game
You play your hand
keep your eye on the dealer
the promises he hands out are fake
We risk our hearts
so we can play
So you take off your hat
and scream
when you look down at your soul
it bleeds
now it’s just the tracks and me
left my shoes at the station
left my dignity on the platform
left my will to its journey
I just keep walking
somehow, someway
I ended up here
Not sure what the signs read
but my head is clear
I toss my faith to the land
I may return one day
Loner (words)
I’m a loner, don’t get close to me
I like to be free.
I am a loner, don’t try to love me;
I am a loner, trust is a illusion, I won’t fall into it again.
I am just making my way here, loving my children.
I am a loner, don’t need handouts, don’t need no pity or advice.
I gave from a space of light.
I am a loner, even death don’t want me.
Life, it got me.
Don’t try to pull me in.
I have no friends.
I won’t harm another living thing, won’t lie or play games.
Best to stay in my own quiet space,
I am a loner.
I am done with the pain, the misunderstandings and shame.
I don’t need my heart to break anymore.
I close the door.
If loving too much is wrong, then I got too much to learn.
I did it all on my own, there were some dark nights alone.
Many nights as a child, locked in a closet, you think I can’t handle being deserted?
Well, here I am.
I been torn down many times, believed many lies,
In my heart, I never wanted to think others would try to put out my light.
So I loved blind.
I’ll never reach out again.
When I looked down at my hands, they were bleeding.
Because I loved too much.
I don’t need a crutch or someone to save me.
I am a loner, with the heart of a child, in this world of anger and emotional chaos, people who push and pull, I can’t fit in anymore.
Watch me fall.
I surrender to it all.
I got some words, and a heartbeat.
I am a loner, that’s all I need.
The Bamboo Boat
A story was told by the stones at the sea,
Many years ago grew the bamboo trees.
As the wind rose across the water, it danced in their leaves.
Nested in their shade, a silent sanctuary.
They were calm, they were peace.
The beauty called to man, ‘come sit with me’.
For many years, came an old man, he sat on the sand.
Still and quiet, he would smile at them.
No words spoken, only knowing, he was one with them.
Great storms blew the bamboo wild and bending,
He stood at the shore, of never ending rains.
He smiled just the same.
The stones would kiss his hands and feet.
The mysteries were revealed to him from the sea.
One day, in a deep breath, the sky opened and called to him.
Old man, as you asked – tides and time have passed;
In devotion, you sit at the oceans and give reverence.
Wisdom and sight has taught you much.
You listen, from the heart.
We watch your life, and all the passion you lived it.
With no regrets, you have surrendered to creation.
It is time to return to all that made you.
Sail to us.
The old man had a vision, a boat took him into the heavens above;
With deep love,
The bamboo trees called his name.
Many moments you have spent, beneath our leaves.
You gave us purpose and need.
Now onto thee we give, our greatest gift;
Your freedom.
Take our shoots and build a raft, sail across the horizon.
The zen of living taught you much, now it is time to leave it.
We will be with you on your travels, the stones, the sun will all unravel now.
Trust your heart and bow in truth, for all that learned, for all that you knew.
Where you shall go, you’ve already known all along, in your golden life song.
Home.
So the old man with care, much gratitude and prayer, built the boat.
He knelt at the shore’s of stone, and kissed the sand.
With his bare hands he raised to the sky, I will fly he whispered.
The waves took him in, across the open;
He drifted into the vastness.
The shore waved goodbye, until we meet again;
With open eyes you will see, where you’ve always been.
A place you created, a space you meditated, shall never end.
In Spirit, you are everything.
The sun set, the boat became the witness to the story,
Of the infinite.
For A Life
We pray for others lives,
We want them to stay,
But what if it was their time,
What if we changed their fate?
What if their Spirit was ready, to make the journey home;
They seen the arms of angels calling,
They wanted to surrender and go.
Do we really know?
Why pray they should be here, if the light had come;
If you have no intent to share their life, but to leave them here alone.
Those we leave behind, always learn to heal;
So before we pray to keep the dying;
Ask why you need them here.
Prayer Of Love
May your heart be heard across the great divide,
For the one you love, to give one more try.
May the Angels bless you,
May the stars caress your souls.
May the sorrows fade away today,
May the beautiful kiss of life embrace you close;
I know,
On this journey of healing, on this path of feeling true,
The arms you long to hold you,
The arms you want to die in,
I cannot be.
In my deepest wish, with all the light I am,
I pray your hearts are healed today;
Together till the end.
Amen
Invocation (a prayer)
Invocation of the Sun,
healing us from light beyond;
as it rises in thy soul
still us deeply,
guide us whole.
Invocation to thy heart,
here is the center of all we are;
guide us simply to our truth,
so our light connection will keep coming through.
we are children of meditation;
in this space the gift reveals;
the kiss of Spirit as we heal.
we are here to expand and learn;
nature is divine reflection;
here we find our true perfection.
Invocation to the flame,
the perfect love,
our hearts the same;
on this journey it shall pass;
we find each other and come home at last.
Invocation to the Angels,
gratitude for love eternal,
in the darkest hours of life,
may we see you at our side.
Invocation to Spirit,
the omni, the breath, the everlasting
I AM THAT I AM,
Revealed by the Masters.
Invocation of Ascension;
Guide my Soul to the other dimensions;
the blessing of service is thy call,
where I am needed,
I shall go.
amen
