This has not been altered of changed in any way. I have left it word for word.
Spirit has asked that I share this today as Leslie’s birthday is October 3, 1955
I hear clearly – “you ARE the Butterfly – You bring change – help others remember why they came and who they are. Share this story. This is the story of trusting our heart. The story of it NEVER being too late in our lives to follow our heart and take a chance. Every excuse we come up with is illusion and self depleting. Who we are is not who we stay. We each have a role to play in each others lives and that is agreed upon before we come here. We’ve been doing this dance for lifetimes in many existences. Share this story of searching within and trusting that what is already felt in our hearts is energetically manifested. It’s already real and alive. It’s everything around us. Everything we are looking at or are living in this very moment was once a thought, feeling, dream… In our world – in Spirit, it’s actuality. We live the heart – space. There is none of the human expressions of, I can’t because… It’s not possible. My hope with sharing this is that those reading can understand that it’s never too late. It’s not that we have to pine for a life or love that can truly be. There is no judging or rules in Spirit that who we are then is who we are now. It’s all part of the whole. It’s a story. It’s teaching us to trust our intuition and be guided. We are Divinely guided. Leslie is saying that this is the one choice he made that he seen in his life review, that was right and there was no doubts when he crossed into Spirit that everything that lead up to the connection and Love between us was part of the experience. When we see how we live in these lies we tell ourselves of how we can’t go reach for that love because we built a life already. We will lose our homes, families, cars or any other part of the story we tell ourselves it’s what keeps us there. When we are happy and it’s right – we won’t feel empty or searching deep inside for that love that got away. We will know when we are brought together with someone that it’s meant for us. I learned that stone is not as solid as we believe – nothing is truly set in it. Being Human is brave and it’s always making choices of letting go – moving into. Beginnings and endings are all NOW – this is truly where we come to know being fully present. The moment we make the choice to allow change. To be fully with the changes and trusting the experience is for our highest good. With this – I ask Reine’ to please share this story that at one time I did share, but was afraid to show anyone. This is a small broken into bits story – but it tells exactly what I need it to say. Don’t ever be afraid of it being too late in this life to love and find that love as the person you are now – the part of your story that you wake up and truly know who you are. This love is the one that will bring you home in your heart. Don’t give in to the fear of what we may leave behind – because we actually already have within. Live free and love with all you are.”
With this; I give you Leslie’s story. Happy beautiful birthday my love on the other side…
Written June 17, 2012:
Today I decided to write this blog to let anybody that reads it understand a little better
who I am and what built me into the person I am today.
Life began for me in a town in Scotland, I grew up in a place that some people classed
as the “Arsehole of Scotland”, well maybe it was and maybe it wasn’t but all I can tell
you was “It was my home”.
From a very young age I learned that to survive I would have to fight and fight I did,
each and every day. I fought because in this world there is always somebody that
wants what you have and they will take it if they can, well I for one would not give up
what was mine so I fought to keep hold. Was I right, was I wrong today I would see
thing differently but then I was right.
The household where I lived was like a battle zone, arguments were a daily
occurrence, they punctuated my day both at school or home so the anger inside just
kept on rising. What was normal to me was fighting and arguing what was foreign
was love and care, what I ask myself today is if I had understood more about loving
and caring would I have followed the path I did or would my life have been different,
I really don’t know.
The area where I lived and went to school in had one of the highest drug and crime
rates in Scotland, but this was the place that shaped who I was and who I would
become. It did build a character that was able to stand in the wind without breaking,
someone that is able to understand that life is not a bed of roses and will twist and turn
on you, but it also gave me an understanding of life that in different circumstances I
would never had understood.
By the time I was 13 my sister left home because she could not take anymore of the
wars and the full force of the wars came my way. I argued with my parents and tried
to explain but there was so much noise I now realise that nobody we listening not
even me. I cried inside because this was not what I wanted but outside I started to turn
to stone.
Well that was when this journey began; my father explained to me that he “Loved
Me” but needed to stand by my mother who was suffering from a severe mental
depression, and he may not have the time to counsel me. At 13 how do you
understand that? The decision I took then affected the rest of my life but I needed to
stand alone in the world to survive.
Outwardly I began to change and my views of the world became distorted, love, well
who needed it, power was what I sought and to get that I would needed money. I ran
from myself not from the world. Inside I was just a kid scared of everything around,
outside I was like a block of ice that could not be affected by anyone.
When I was 16 I met my first wife who was having some real challenges at home, her
father was an alcoholic and he was not really much help to his family. We dated for a
time while I was still at school (and believe it or not I was a bright student).When I left school I began life as a labourer and was happy to be able to earn a living
at something. I moved on from there and had many more jobs (to many to list here,
but I had roaming feet as my grandmother called them).
At the age of 21 I married my first wife who I realise now I never really loved but I
did want to get her out of the life she was in. Not exactly the right reason to marry but
hey I was only 21 and was not connected with any feelings so all I can say is I didn’t
know any better.
When we married I was a fitter turner for a plumbing company and thing seemed OK
in life but there was still something missing, what I had not realised was I was the one
missing. My marriage lasted around a year. I realised that the reason that I had
married my wife was because I felt sorry for her and not because I loved her, her heart
was elsewhere and when I asked her why she married me the answer I got was
“You’re a good provider”, true as it was it still hurt inside and I realised that I had to
rectify the mistake.
I can’t remember the exact reason but there was an argument one night and she went
to stay with a friend. I knew that the marriage should never have happened and did
not want to continue, I seen no future in life so I swallowed a bottle of pills and
washed it down with half a bottle of tequila, not a good idea but the only one I had. I
can say now luckily a friend came to the house and as they used to just come in they
found me in the living room just barley conscious. They had me rushed to accident
and emergency where they pumped my stomach and put me on a drip. I was told that
my heart had stopped and that I was a very lucky man. I did not see it that way when I
woke in the morning, I only remembered the pain inside that had me try and take my
life.
I was released from hospital and I think it was at that time I decided that I needed to
go, this marriage was destroying us both and I didn’t really want that. She had a good
heart but it was not for me and after I left a friend who I had grown up with took my
place, well that did sting, strange we can accept a stranger but a friend it’s difficult to
swallow. I found out later that she married again and I believe that she is very happy,
believe it or not I am glad that she found happiness because her life with me would
not have given her that.
For a while I wandered through life wondering what to do, I was interested in new
technology so I enrolled at college on a computer sciences course. After starting the
course I realised that this was what I wanted, it interested me and I was able to focus
on the course more that I had even focused before. I soon realised that the reason for
my love of computing was because of my love of logic, something I had used to direct
my life so far. I had successfully kept my feeling hidden by using logic and was able
to keep my emotions under control by logic. This is not the way to live let me tell you,
loneliness is only one of the thing it will bring to your life. I was not able really
understand anyone because I did not truly understand me, so if I was go give advice I
would say understand who you are before you try and connect with the rest of the
world.
Watch a child who has no fear of the world and they will connect with anyone. They
have not yet been taught by life that your heart can be broken, and if you are not ready
the healing process can be long and painful. So they enjoy life in the moment because
to them that all there is, and actually they are right it’s all we really have is this
moment in time.
Well while at college I met my second wife and we seemed to get along ok, dated for
a while made common friends then we separated again when we left college. I began
working in the computer industry as a junior programmer and I loved the job. For the
first time I could actually say I was doing something I liked. I classed myself as one
of the lucky people because I enjoyed my work. Little was I to know what lay ahead.
The girl that I met at college I bumped into one night when we I was out on the town,
at that time I worked hard and played just as hard, drinking and partying till the small
hours then going into the office the next day. Talk about burning the candle at both
ends, I was lucky to get more that 4 hours sleep at night. Never ate at home was
always out. Well we dated for a while and then she needed to move out her flat so she
moved in with me.
Our life was like a lot of young people drinking, parties out most nights and this went
on for a couple of years, then we decided to get married did we love each other well
to be honest I don’t think we did, I think we were both familiar faces and we had
gotten used to waking in the morning and seeing the other. Not the reason to get
married but I believe that we cared for each other but I don’t think that extended to
love. I really did not understand what love was, my heart was still closed and nobody
was allowed inside the walls I had built.
The computer industry in those days was different to what it is today, the levels of
stress was huge due to ever increasing expectations. The hardware had not always
caught up with what people though was possible so we were always trying new
techniques to squeeze ever bit of juice out of the lemon. The inevitable happened, to
much drinking, to many sleepless nights and my mind broke. I was sent to hospital for
a while and must admit did not like it very much but I did know that I needed to rest
or I would be lost forever.
Well I did rest then returned to work where my manager made jokes about me having
a nervous breakdown. As you can imagine I did not stay with that company much
longer although if I say so myself I was the best programmer that had, but they did not
want me there in case anything happened again. The reason for the breakdown was
without a shadow of a dought down to overwork, I had worked for 4 weeks with little
more than an hours sleep each night mostly on my office desk and only going home to
shower and change.
Life seemed to meander along and then my wife fell pregnancy with our first child.
She has turned out to be a lot like me, which I am not sure is a good thing but that’s
the way the cards were dealt. My wife fell pregnant again not long after the birth of
my daughter and our son was born 18 months later, he is very like his mother.
After my children were born our life changed and I began to feel more and more like
a stranger. To begin with I put it down to my wife having two children so close
together and just got on with life but as time went on I realised that there was more to
it than that. Soon I realised that love had never really existed between us and I could
see love in my wife’s eyes for the children but not for me. I am glad that she loves the
children because at least there is love in their life and they understand what it means.
Arguments began to happen more and more frequently, strangely enough I can’t
remember the reasons for the arguments but they continued for quite a few years. I
will skip ahead a bit in time as life continued on the same track.
I had taken a new position with a company as their IT controller and this was the first
management position that I had. I radically changed their IT systems and gained a lot
of respect from the senior people within the company. I was offered a management
position within the first year. Continuing to build the department and because of the
problems at home I spent more and more time in the office or in our head office in
England. This I suppose did not help but at least if I was not there arguments could
not happen. My children were brought up mostly by my wife because of this and to
this day I have no real connection with my son who I love but we never talk.
I stayed living this life for a while then accepted an offer from a large American
company who required my skills. In this job I was away quite a bit from home and I
was able to throw myself headlong into the job. I earned more than a fair salary so my
family wanted for nothing.. My wife spent most of the money I earned on the home
and family and I do remember more than 1 argument over that subject. Money is there
to buy the things you need but if you have extra it’s a good idea to put some away for
a rainy day that never happened. Everything had to be the best and most expensive, I
was on the slippery slope that many find there selves on.
Well I did well in the job, was well respected within my profession and really did not
have any home life. We speak about work life balance well my life consisted of work
and loneliness, have you ever stood in a crowd and felt alone well that’s how I felt in
my own house. I did not have the love and respect of my children, anytime there was
a problem the age old saying came from my wife “wait till you father get home” so I
became the cane to punish the children and my wife became the sugar they loved. I
guess that I’m not the only father who has been in that position but when you are
away most of the time and every time you come back your expected to punish the
children for what they have done you can’t really expect love and respect from them.
There is a poem in my first book that was written because of how my father died and
how I felt about me and the time.
Back in 2006 my father was struck down with pancreatic cancer. At the time he was
admitted to the hospital I was once again away on business and could not get there to
be with my mother till later that night. When I arrived the hospital had already
operated on my father thinking that it was something else, I later found out that that
operation made the situation worse not better.
Through the first night he struggled to hold onto life and I did not want to see him go.
I began to do some intensive research on pancreatic cancer on the internet since it was
a subject that I knew nothing about.
During this research I realised that the hospital was allowing my father to die as they
were not taking all the steps required. At that time he was being poisoned by his own
system and he was suffering from renal failure.
After many hours of debate with the intensive care unit they decided to give him
dialysis. Over the next two day he seemed to get a little better and he regained
consciousness. Over the next few weeks the medical staff did all that they could and I
could see hope that he would pull through.
About 4 weeks from when he was admitted to the hospital he relapsed and I recieved
a call from a pancreatic surgeon in the hospital who explained that he could operate
and remove the necrotic waste from the pancreas but my father would still die, but he
would die slowly over a period of 6-12 months. He was being kept alive by the
ventilator so I was asked if I wanted the ventilator switched off as I was my father’s
legal guardian.
Believe me when I say this was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and it
had a major impact on my life in the coming months. I decided to allow my father to
pass with dignity as he would never have had any quality of life had I allowed the
operation, but that did not stop me from blaming myself for many year, questioning
could I have done more? Honestly I now know that there was no more I could have
done but I never released the pain that it caused.
I will skip past the next few years because they were filled with many things mostly
arguments and loneliness and I guess for us both except my wife still had the love and
respect of the children.
I felt most of the time like a stranger looking in through the window of a family I did
not know. Believe me when I say that is a gut wrenching feeling inside. You see all
through my life I did have feelings but they were bottled up inside where nobody
could find then and I cried tears in my heart but the world never seen them.
Well I went online and started to use twitter, I met a person that at first I found very
interesting, she was a writer and I found that I was being drawn to what she had
written. I can’t explain but I found myself reading what she was streaming and feeling
better when we chatted.
I realised that for a reason I cannot explain I was becoming very fond of her. My heart
felt like a flower that had just tasted the first light of day and the petals began to open.
After chatting for a while with her I realised that she was involved with someone else
so I stepped back, I knew that what I wished to happen was more that friendship.
I cared for this person and her happiness did matter to me so I shut of twitter and did
not try and make contact with her for quite a while, but I will admit to still putting on
twitter so that I could see what she was writing and whenever she came online I felt a
glow in my heart.
About 18 month maybe two years passed and for a reason I cannot give because I
don’t know, I began to use twitter and found her again. She had just been through a
heart attack when we were able to re-connect.
We began talking again and I found out that she was not romantically involved with
anyone well my heart did smile for the first time. My heart told me not to let this
person go, to follow the hearts path is always the right thing to do, but it had been so
long since I had been romantically involved I was unsure how to proceed. Soon after
we began speaking we connected I’m sure in the space of heart and I began to feel
different.
My outlook on life was different, I could to see that she made me laugh, smile and
sometimes cry but for the first time somebody had penetrated the wall I had built, she
had become part of my world and I did not know how. The only explanation I can
give is my heart knew that I loved her and the petals of the flower opened my heart to
allow her love to find me. And find me she did. We then decided that we would like
to be able to talk more freely and see each other if possible so we started to contact
each other on Skype.
Our relationship blossomed and we talked for hours, we hade each other laugh to the
point of crying and when times were rough for either of us the other kept their
partners spirit up, did I say partner, well yes I did because we had become
emotionally attached to each other. You will ask well how can that happen on a
computer system, the answer is quite simple the only thing we cannot do is touch each
other as we’re are 3000 miles apart at the moment but on all other levels we found
that we love each others company and still spend whatever time we could together.
I know that I love this woman and this time the love is real, I don’t care about what
we have, I don’t care about what we don’t have I only care that we can be together.
When we cannot speak to each other it made me sad because we are so far apart but
the time we can spend together is magical, well it is for me, my heart opens, I smile
something I never used to do, all because of love.
I better roll the clock back a bit as I have gotten ahead of time. I had written many
things in the past but never ever let anybody see them. Why? Because I never thought
anybody would want to read them. The woman I love is a writer and I told her one
day that I wrote occasionally and she asked to read some of it. I was a little unsure
about letting her see very much but I decided that well if she cares for me then she
will tell me the truth and coming from her that would not be too bad.
To my amazement she asked me to continue to write and develop my skills as there
was something in the writing. I did what she asked and began to write again but at this
time she was the only person allowed to read anything.
She them asked if I had considered posting what I write on a blog etc. Well trusted in
her counsel and although very unsure I went ahead and created a blog site. Was it to
impress or was it to see what would happen. I really don’t know the true answer all I
do know was I trusted her instincts and went ahead and created the site.
Many have now read my work and people seem to enjoy what I write, and that
gladdens my heart, I don’t want praise for what I write but knowing that it brings
some light into people’s lives is enough for me.
Since opening the site I have published two books of the poems I have written and
although not very many people have bought them I am glad that I wrote them. The
support I have had to publish these books from the woman in my life has helped me to
heal the parts of my past that I was never able to face. So please darling when you
read this know that my love for you has no limits.
For you who walked this earth without fear,
Reine's Blog 